Homemade Pizza

O Mozerella,
How much will you get melty,
before you get brown?

--
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The Daily Survivor -- a great way to lose money

So an idea which I had while trying to get to sleep would be to start a daily newspaper, because I hear that there is big money in that industry. BIG MONEY TO BE LOST, THAT IS!

Anyhow the paper would be called "The Daily Survivor" and it would have headlines like "Mohamed Ali... still the Greatest" (which was actually a Houston Chronical front page headline some years back" and "Man in Critical Condition lives through the night" and "993 of 1000 occupants of burning building survive." Get the picture? It would be a daily reporting of the news with the angle that people either survived, weren't killed, are still alive, or aren't dead yet. The incidents where newspapers report death would be covered by mentioned at first who was alive prior to the incident and then all the people who survived. The fact that someone died would never be reported.

It could be one of the most annoying newspapers ever.

Curiouser and curiouser

Its fascinating to read "Alice in Wonderland" to Dakota. Dakota
identifies with Alice to a far greater extent than I ever did. Where I
just got irratated by her spouting nonsense, Dakota feels sympathy for
Alice's efforts to make sense of the insane and dishonest world of
grown ups and animals.
Although I read both "wonderland" and "looking glass" many times
growing up (and was even in a 5th grade production of looking glass,
one of a series of really lousy parts in the school play that resulted
from being sick one day just one day and the good part was taken away
from me. not that I'm still bitter about it but I should have been
the white knight. I mean white knight... Hello? I am so the white
knight. I mean in life, not just in that play) but never did I find
the material so howling funny as I do now.

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Vignettes of suburban life for single Dad

These were going to be FB status updates, but they work better as a series.
--------------------------------------------
Juice boxes are on the same aisle as candy. Bad HEB; evil store layout.
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The kids make tons of noise at the checkout, they are fighting to help
daddy more. Neither are providing any help (with respect to net
effect) but the sentiment is touching.
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You know how people will have a bumper sticker that says "I break for
baby ducks?" Well a moma duck and three baby ducks were crossing
Morton Road and I breaked and honked like a mad man. The oncoming SUV
driver looked bewildered and I gesticulated wildly at the baby ducks.
Then the lady driving the Sequoia saw it too and looked relieved that
she didn't make roadkill.
Anyhow, I was thinking about the bumper sticker and, well, so what?
What kind of sick bastard WOULDN'T stop?
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Dakota: Did you notice that no ants bother the cats?
Dad: I suppose
Dakota: Well, that could be the answer to our ant infestation...
Cats. You should let Sophia have kittens.
Dad: Impossible. She's been fixed
Dakota: Can't we un-fix her.
Dad: Afraid not, Princess
Dakota: I hate that about life. Sometimes, things cannot be undone.
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Jason is eating a lunchable. He seperates all the crackers and all the
cheese slices and all the ham slices. He looks pleased. Then
concerned. Finally he sighs in true anguish.
Slapping his forehead, he declares, "Too many choices! Ah jeesh."
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The Bad Guy in Dakota's Comic Universe

I've talked about super personnel person before. See link (here). I am
watching Dakota play with Jason's action figures. Her bad guy is an
unstable boss who randomly hires and fires people for no discernable
reason.

This has hilarious effect for Star Wars action figures carefully
positioned for an epic battle. Suddenly storm troopers are bus boys
and Lando is a Maitre D. Then Lando is promoted to Darth, after Darth
Vader is fired. Then Lando is fired and Darth is re-hired, but as a
singing waiter.

In observing the insane but basically mean-spirited nature of unstable
boss, I think "Yes, this is the correct bad guy for super personnel
person"

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An Ode To Sriracha Chili Sauce

My soup was bland
My hot dog blah
You are not just for Pho or shumai anymore

Thicker than sauce
Smoother to a puree
Technically a "red pepper coulis"

The tounges of five lands
Emblazoned on the bottle side
Surely these are five tounges on fire

Heat but not light
Sweet but not "TGIF rib sauce"
More like a symphony of flavors; specifically that symphony where Metalica thought to play with an orchestra... except good.

Look! I wrote my name on the plate

Talking to my tweet

Its not like I'm not banal on facebook on here on the 'ol .75, but twitter is exclusively banality. Its all banalities all the time.

And now a haiku
You know what I want to do?
No. Neither do I.
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The F-22

Dude, we still have lots of them.

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Best of the trippy story games

Here's the link. Let's see if I can get the plug-in to work.

Nope. I can't

Oh well.... troubleshooting that unsuccessfully slaked my thirst to write about the game and compare it to others. The only commentary left is: Bunnies blowing up deer with bombs are funny.

Racism is the GOP's turd in the punchbowl (Sen. Tom Coburn at the Sotomayor hearings)

Why I am not a pundit

I predicted that some stupid things would be said at the hearings that would shed no light on the nominee, just Senators drawing attention to themselves. Indeed they have

OK read this: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i50DeDW5LZUDAChBxX2Oqt4co18wD99F111G0

I recognize that we are supposed to be post-racial America and that its very trendy to say "I have given out enough apologies, leave me alone with my racial prejudices."

Except that its baloney.

The academic lecture part of my blog post

I should pause here with a bit of semiotics theory. Semiotics is a fancy word for the idea that bleeps blurps and waggles = all you really have to make yourself understandable. The theoretical idea is the context of the noises you make can signal what you are really thinking, but the noises themselves that are not intrinsically one way or another. Which means the same noises can communicate a totally different set of thoughts; Or in isolation they can have no meaning at all.

The heart-warming anecdote

I got into a big fight with a close law school friend of mine over the use of a date on a t-shirt to convey a racist message (it was Toyota Autoworkers in the US and the date was Pearl Harbor day). His point, correct but irrelevant, was that "those numbers aren't racist." Context is racist and the racism is subjective, as is all communication. So this is the take-away on semiotic theory: occasionally a person does or says something that because of where, when, how, or to whom it was said, gives a very specific message about what that person thinks or feels. This message is stronger if it completes a picture of what you already believe. The message becomes a fact. "Fact: Person X said this. That is a fact. And if its a fact, I believe it."

Back to my main point (isn't this post awesome with section subtitles?)

I'll skip the flip-side of this idea (cognitive dissonance) and get right to my point:

Sen. Coborn managed to confirm what I suspected about GOP opposition to Sotomayor in one single ethnic joke. Republicans (not just elected ones) who aren't offended by this don't and won't see it. They will point to the broader context of how the famous Ricky Riccardo catch-phrase is used all the time by all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons, mostly funny, and that its a form of liberal thought-police censorship. I wrote this paragraph yesterday, and now it has happened. Here comes the link... POOF!

Let me just say this:

Congressional hearings are not the saloon. Nor is it "gotcha" politics to point out that doing a Ricky Ricardo imitation while questioning Sotomayor in a public hearing evidences an underlying personal and/or racial animosity. The statements, questions, and asides made for a Supreme Court Confirmation hearing are not merely a coincidence. Its not "only a joke." And, oh yeah... nothing is off the record, every word that is bolivated from these farcical hearings are preserved for all posterity. Each Senator has a staff of people to prevent extemporaneous statements in favor of sound bites to tossed out to the mosaic of PACs that either elected the Senators on the committee or raised money specifically for or against the nominee. For however our democracy ought to be, the fact is that thousands of votes and millions of contribution dollars are at stake when it comes to theatres of political and rhetorical conflict (like confirmation hearings) between the two parties. In this context, for Coburn to overcome those barriers and lay a turd in the punch bowl like that is amazing.

Just to infuriate people and confuse the issue, I will totally make something up as a way to make my point. Because "Fact: Person X imagined this. That is a fact. I am person X. That's not a fact so much as an assignment of a fact to a variable, but if its a fact, I believe it. "

I imagine, you decide

When they nominate me to be on the Supreme Court, and some GOP Senator gets aggravated by his ignorance of the law and by my "I'm talking to you like a 4th grader" tone, and tires of my explaining the difference between holding and dicta as a way of not answering his question about a real "gotcha" quote of mine and blurts out:

"Confucius say, those who quote me are fools."

And the gallery laughs at the quip as if he was Noel Coward. I will have too much dignity to do anything but let it slide.

Things I have learned by being a parent (canonical rant)

My children are both asleep. I often watch them sleep now. My old friend, insomia has returned after many years. Of course, now that I am older I understand that back pain and drinking a pot of coffee have something to do with it. A bigger contributor maybe is that the price for having a certain flexibility about who I can be turns into a cavernous echo when I am alone and don't have to be anyone but me. But self-pity and self-loathing are merely cleansing the palette of a canonical rant, like a salty fish followed by sorbet. Here now is the plat principle:

As my children sleep, I reflect on Jason's ability to do so without a diaper. Its an important milestone because the end of diapers changes the parent routine. I no longer need to carry a support bag.

It is also the end of the relevance of certain advice books, and that is the topic of this rant. Middle class people tend to buy (and to urge other people to buy) particular parenting advice books. Some of these competing books have caused cultural wars of Aesthetics. One thing that I have learned by being a parent, is that people do not read those books because they want to be instructed. People find books that match the way they already treat their kids and their life. Its a post-hoc rationalization of why their way is right.

Therefore, for these books to sell very well, they must be vague and general. So cliches are important. My least favorite of these cliches is "children are our future" That's ridiculous.



I started writing this last night as I was trying to cure my insomnia. It worked

More stupid questions about Supreme Court Nominee

There is a developing story that Sotomayor ran a solo practice out of
her apartment in the early 80s at the beginning of her legal career.
This "solo practice" seems to be little more than actually rendering
legal services for friends and family. That said, I expect the Senate
confirmation hearings to now stuff like:

Q: Who were your clients? Tell us in detail about their problems and
what you advised them?

A: Hello? Don't you ever watch TV? That's privileged.

This eggs against the wall Kabuki will serve as a great bookend to the
spectacle that accompanied the Roberts confirmation. (Link here)
wherein the Senators asked Roberts to say how he would rule on cases that
haven't come before him yet.

I look forward to Senators demanding from future nominees: why they
don't conduct a call-in poll a la "American Idol" to vote on who
should win ("that's more democratic, don't you believe in democracy?")

The Senate: 100 people who make laws.

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Independance Day Advice

The 4th of July is the greatest holiday ever because it celebrates the the greatest country ever: USA! USA! USA!

Here are my tips for a safe enjoyable holiday.

1. Don't hold lit fireworks in your hand. No its not funny.
2. Remember when Kurt Cobain said "I want to eat your cancer when it turns black" he was talking about you and your bad grilling technique. Use propane with lava rocks. Propane is God's gas, just ask Hank Hill. If you are using charcoal, you will need to put aluminum foil down to keep the soot off your meat. (E Hewett, this is what I forgot to do at your place). Get grill very hot first. If you have your hand 6 inches away from grill and it gets uncomfortable afte a very short time, you are ready to go. Put steak diagonally across grill for 2 minutes, use spatula to rotate 90 degrees clockwise (counter clockwise if you are a left), wait 2 minutes. Flip. Don't touch that steak until its ready. It will be ready in 2-8 minutes depending on how well you want it cooked. BTW, the steak continues to cook after you've pulled it off the grill, so no its not undercooked. By the time you get it to the table any have added your ironic helping of salad on the side, it will be perfect. Also, here is what I have decided about marinates - good for chicken and fish, bad for steak. Go with a dry rub or cracked pepper and salt. My advice for steak also applies for burgers, except that you may want to have and aluminum sheet even for propane and flip it onto the aluminum sheet and leave it be for the longer end of the spectrum (i.e. don't eat rare burgers) but not for other beef cuts like ribs or brisket (which requires a smoker which is a different piece of equipment entirely). Chicken, fish, sausages, and vegetables are all more complicated and won't be covered by this post.
3. Wear sunscreen.

Bad decision on Vicodin

Liver damage? Screw you guys, I got whiplash and my back hurts.

I guess in the worst case, I can always take a big glass of whiskey at
night instead of hydrocodone. Whiskey doesn't damage your liver,
right?

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