Sketch - "Why The Monkey Fell Out Of The Tree"

Over Thanksgiving, I discovered that basically every piece of paper that I ever wrote and left at home was amazingly preserved by my Mom. I found a stenopad that I bought on clearance from W.H. Smith for 25p in the summer of 1995. I was working out a MMORPG. I had character classes, a combat system for fighters and a different one for Clerics. But at several points, I got distracted and wrote other things. I think I wrote this after the R.E.M. concert but before I went home.

To be clear, this is not the first revision of this idea, but its more or less the best sketch in terms of how the whole situation plays out.

Sketch

Old man - 72ish on his death bed. Makes a bet with the Devil. The rest of his days for a single day of his youth to re-live.

Chooses the day his 1st true love rejected him; late in his senior year of high school. He plans to change it, the bet is that whatever he does today will not change the outcome of his life.

At 1st he is thrilled. He is young and fit, and savors simple things like healthy kidneys.

Sees his mother and his childhood best friend, both of whom he has not seen alive in decades. At the Diner, best friend is making purposely dumb jokes; funny. Importantly, his friend tells the titular joke:

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Go, on ask me.... go on!"
"okay, why did the monkey fall out of the tree."
"He was dead."


He tells off the vice-principal.

He sees _The Girl_ and proceeds to fall in love all over again. With a lifetime of experience and confidence, things look like they might go better; at first. But he is overwhelmed by the combined weight of his past memories and a lifetime of his fantasies about what "should" have been. He forgets his age and what that means. The result, ultimately, is he's rejected again. Despite some superficial changes, The Girl, had made up her mind long ago about him, such that the time, place, and circumstances are basically the same as the first go-round.

He realizes that he now has not only lost The Girl, but also lost his soul to the Devil. He is very distraught. So much so that he makes a last desperate attempt to prove the Devil wrong by driving onto the railroad track.

The sound of train whistle turns into the sound of the Devil's laughter as the clock on the car dashboard reaches midnight. The light from the train becomes the light above the Old Man's death bed. The Devil's laughing fades away to the sound of Grandson weeping at the foot of the bed.

It's better without this next part, but if they make a movie, audiences will want a happy ending, so--

"What's wrong, kid?"
"Grandpa, the Doctor says you are not going to make it."
"He's right."

They have some sort of conversation that makes the Grandson change his mind about something established in passing before the Old Man made the bet. The Devil (who is disguised as a doctor in the hospital) drops his clipboard, to symbolize that the old man beat the bet somehow and can keep his soul.

Conversation finishes like this:

"I'm getting sleepy now."
"I'll get the Doctor"
"No, don't. I'm ready for the big nap."

Grandson starts to cry.

"A good friend used to cheer me up when I felt sad, Malachi. Malachi, come here. I want to tell you a.. something."

Realizing that he alone will hear his grandfather's last words, Malachi leans forward attentively. The Old Man starts to fade. Gently, Malachi rouses the Old Man, who finally says:

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"

Birthday In Hell

A man, whose birthday has passed without remark for years, is thrown a surprise party on his 36th birthday, so surprising is this that he immediately dies and goes to hell-- unbeknowst to him. The deamons, look exactly like the party guests and begin with some insensitive remarks dressed up as birthday party sentiment.

Then the eternal tourture begins:

They sing the birthday song. Followed by

"How old are you now?
How old are you now?
How OLD ARE YOU no-ow?
How old are you now?"

To which he involuntarily responds in the format;

"I'm thirtysix years old now.
I'm thirtysix years old now.
I'm THIRTYSIX YEARS OLD no-ow.
I'm thirtysix years old now."

Complete with singing "thirtysix" faster in order to cram the sylables into the song like a bloated middle-age man into his varisty letter jacket.

But then, it doesn't end, they sing:

"So cut the cake now,
So cut the cake now,
So CUT THE CAKE no-ow,
So cut the cake now.

"I'll cut the cake now,
I'll cut the cake now,
I'll CUT THE CAKE no-ow.
I'll cut the cake now." He repliess gamely, not yet fully aware that he's in hell

"May I have a piece?
May I have a piece?
May I HAVE A  peee-eece...
May I have a piece?"
Sings his demon-as-friend, Bob

"That's really funny, Bob." he sings, eyes widening as he continues,
"That's really funny, Bob."
And straining not to he nevertheless sings, "that's REALLY FUNNY Baaaaa-aaaahb! That's really funny, Bob."

"What's funnyaboutwanting cake?
What's funnyaboutwanting cake?
What's FUNNNY'BOUTWANTIN cay-ache?
What's funnyaboutwanting cake?"

"What's going on here?
I cantstop singingthis song?
Is THIS SOME KINDA jo-ke?
What's going on here?"

"No, you are in hell,
No, you are in hell,
No, YOU ARE IN helll-ellle,
No, you are in hell." Chant the deamons, revealing themselves in their true form and chaining Bob from the hang-down flourescent lights and commencing to rend his flesh with cake cutters and char his sinnew with birthday candles as Bob screams (in format, for a little counter-point harmony)

Then the entire cast turns to the blog audience and sings:

"Now its in your head,
You'll do it all day!
Every THING THAT YOU sa-ay!
Will be sung this way."

Peristalsis

AJ Webster once posed a thought problem to Dave and I, thinking the answer was obviously "Sleep."

The problem was to consider our biological functions. If we could chose one to make somehow unnecessary, what would it be?

To me the obvious answer was to replace peristalsis with some sort of internal vacuum to push food through our GI tract, although because this was a pressure based solution, it would make digestion in space and air
travel more complicated.

My runner up idea was to replace walking as the method of ambulation with some sort of cilia + air cushion "ground effect"

The obvious answer was not "sleep"
--
Sent from my mobile device

And now a poem about self rehab of Achilles tendon

My calves are aflame
Moo
But they both feel the same
Yay
And at least I'm not lame
That's right
Not like this poem
Boo.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

I'm wearing a left shoe!!!!

I'm wearing a left shoe!!!!

The tour bus and the hare

One day a rock band took a wrong exit off the freeway and found itself lost on a rural Farm to Market road.

"What was that?" asked the drummer.

The busdriver replied, "I think it was a bump in the road"

The band went back to playing Xbox and eating microwave popcorn, unaware of the life that they had just taken.

The tortoise and the hare

One day the tortoise challenged a hare to a race. The hare was not
very interested but the tortoise persisted by talking a lot of trash
and making himself out to be a racing expert. He especially enjoyed
spouting his contrarian idea that the way to win a race is to go slow.

The race started. The tortoise took a step. Then another. Soon he was
moving at a steady clip and was almost an eighth of the way down the
track when the hare crossed the finish line.

--
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Walmart's electric carts are by

Walmart's electric carts are by far the best.

My ankle brace has a

My ankle brace has a self inflating pump. It rocks

Triage Technique: Get Hurt

Kerry, this one is for you. So you know how its always difficult to get an accurate medical history from a patient because they are reticent to share? I have a recommendation: Get Hurt Nothing gets people sharing their history of illness, how they got hurt, when, what procedures they took, complications, meds perscribed, allergies, family history, etc. like a cast on your foot. In a different time in my life, this sort of oversharing would bother me. Something happened to me along the road that made me fascinated by the level of gory detail that people want to share with someone who is injured. People who never really liked me are suddenly far more comfortable to open up with these incredibly personal stories. And the people who do like you, do nice things for you and try to cheer you up. I noticed it today at work, but it was also in the airport and at the dr's last week and in general. That said, I am bushed from all the limping and hopping

The Sun Sets

It was only pretty good. But its too bad this credit crunch thing killed it.

Signs that I am re-aclimitizing to NY

I start wondering, "How the **** can people root for the Mets?"

Oh Yankees, 6.5 out of the wildcard. At least you are not the Mets

When the guacamole is gone,

When the guacamole is gone, potato salad will do

Jesus, ET, and now Steve Jobs

So Bloomberg ran this Obituary of Steve Jobs. For those of you reading this blog, you know how greatly relieved I am at the moment, but none of you know that a friend and coworker of my was killed in an auto-accident on Monday. This raises some big questions: What determines the limited time that we have? How can we be wise in spending our remaining time? Is there virtue in suffering? Why does nature have mercy but not pity? Why does Steve Jobs get to live again? Why can't they design a phone that slides all the way into my table PC for storage and management of the address book? Why isn't the tablet PC in the same form factor as a normal folio pad (with an 8.5 x 11 screen)? Is Gossip Girl really as bad as advertised? What should I have for lunch? My deorderant has no anti perspirant, does that mean that maybe I should just spray cologne into my armpits? Who would win in a fight batman or lupin? Are marshmellows better on smores or in hot cocoa?

This is not to make light of my friend's death, although we weren't that close, I think he would understand the point I am making and how I am making it: Big questions are hard to deal with, besides their basic nature of being unanswerable, they must necessarily be erodded by the fiobles of our biology and the insasiatable hunger of triviality.

Blogging the Olympics: Women sweep sabre

Hey MSNBC, sabre is FAST. How about some instant replay?

NBC has great commercials. MSNBC, where the fencing is at, apparently is
the network of really bad drivers.

Oh well, I admit that as corrupt the IOC is and as ambivelent I feel about
the venue: to see the smiling, proud faces of our young superheros as old
glory is hoisted to strains of the national anthem. And look, a single tear
of happiness from gold medalist. Wow... Its the perfect moment.

God bless America!

Blogging in the rain

So I have figured out the the subject line is the title brilliant.

A few people let me know that seattle gets less rain thab houston. Here's
thw different. Right now its sunny and I am purposely standing in the
downpour because its cooling everything off. Also in the time its taken me
to type this out two people have startwed conversations abiut rain and its
tapered off and gotten heavy again

Ah texas

the dream changes

So I am still having bar exam dreams but they are getting better: the secured creditors are perfected, even though time is not of the essence the contractors finsh on time and the architect signs the certificate of completion in good faith, the checks are honored, everyone acts as an ordinary reasonable prudent person would under similar situations, equity need not make done because its already been done in the first place, the testator understands the natural objects of his bounty and the scrivners faithfully leave the specific bequests to "dave, his heirs and assigns", all the guardians take the oath, all the trust beneficaries stay away from loan sharks, bailors deliver the goods, the best interests of the children are understood by the parties even without a guardian ad litem, the inducements to marry are written down, the known arsonists turns himself in by voluntarily arriving at the police station and though he is free to leave decides to knowing and intelligently waive miranda, the insurer and the injured party reach a fair settlement that is makes them whole without being a windfall, oral promise made prior to the final writing are forgottrn about, all the surface estates are accomodated, all the reservoirs hit MER, all interests will vest within lives in being plus 21 years, consignor get paid, the cotenants of blackacre get along, and the merchants is fair forthright and honest with the consumer who receives effective good that achieve the special purpose.

Exhibit Hall "A"

I am standing on the artifical hill over the mcnair parking garage outside the test site.

When I was 17, I took my brothers laptop to Kensico Dam and wrote an essay about how this public monument would now be consecrated by: my past memories, the certainty that life would change by going to college, and simply because I willed it so.

I was foolisher then, what makes me think I am wise now?

I am no longer so certain of anything as I was when I was 17. But I know that I have worked very hard and learned much and I am humbled by how little I can really understand and those who have come before me passed; and not just the bar.




That's all I have to say for now...

Mr. Cheezeplateur has an intentional tort claim based on a cause of action for "wrongful imprisonment"

The Bloomberg coverage of the latest diplomatic debacle on the farewell tour involves involves President Bush's own press corpse doing a PR hatchet job on the leader of Italy. Bloomberg's spin is to put the term 'insulting' in quotes like I just did and emphasize what bad character Belusconi really has.

What should be know about the tort of defamation is that it involves the malicious (as in intent to commit the tort) publication of information know to be false about a person (actually this tort also exists for recording bogus liens on surface or mineral estates, its called 'slander of title') and as such a complete defense is that the information is true.


It should be understood that the defense is complete because it destroys what of the necessary elements of the tort. This is as opposed to an affirmative defense, which is an exception that says, all the elements of the tort happened but some other things happened too that make it not a tort anymore.

Anyhow, because to show that its true that someone is a bad character requires evidence of being a bad person, the type of bad character evidence which is normally inadmisable in a civil case become admissable.

Final comment: look at the photo that Bloomberg chose for the article. It's Bush, walking around, totally free of any context by the background: a field of green grash cropped close in the photo. What a great job! Here: one good turn deserves another. Here's my context for this blog entry. My -- Text -- has --- trapped -- the -- Cheese!

This is why my Rotisserie Baseball team came in last

Only one of my players (Dykstra) was named by George Mitchell. Yikes.