The Bad Guy in Dakota's Comic Universe

I've talked about super personnel person before. See link (here). I am
watching Dakota play with Jason's action figures. Her bad guy is an
unstable boss who randomly hires and fires people for no discernable
reason.

This has hilarious effect for Star Wars action figures carefully
positioned for an epic battle. Suddenly storm troopers are bus boys
and Lando is a Maitre D. Then Lando is promoted to Darth, after Darth
Vader is fired. Then Lando is fired and Darth is re-hired, but as a
singing waiter.

In observing the insane but basically mean-spirited nature of unstable
boss, I think "Yes, this is the correct bad guy for super personnel
person"

--
Sent from my mobile device

Things I have learned by being a parent (canonical rant)

My children are both asleep. I often watch them sleep now. My old friend, insomia has returned after many years. Of course, now that I am older I understand that back pain and drinking a pot of coffee have something to do with it. A bigger contributor maybe is that the price for having a certain flexibility about who I can be turns into a cavernous echo when I am alone and don't have to be anyone but me. But self-pity and self-loathing are merely cleansing the palette of a canonical rant, like a salty fish followed by sorbet. Here now is the plat principle:

As my children sleep, I reflect on Jason's ability to do so without a diaper. Its an important milestone because the end of diapers changes the parent routine. I no longer need to carry a support bag.

It is also the end of the relevance of certain advice books, and that is the topic of this rant. Middle class people tend to buy (and to urge other people to buy) particular parenting advice books. Some of these competing books have caused cultural wars of Aesthetics. One thing that I have learned by being a parent, is that people do not read those books because they want to be instructed. People find books that match the way they already treat their kids and their life. Its a post-hoc rationalization of why their way is right.

Therefore, for these books to sell very well, they must be vague and general. So cliches are important. My least favorite of these cliches is "children are our future" That's ridiculous.



I started writing this last night as I was trying to cure my insomnia. It worked

Dakota's life lessons from Clone Wars

Are simply not the same as mine from Star Wars. Star Wars fans grew up
wondering how Luke will defeat Vader.

Dakota and all her little friends who love Clone Wars (and its
terrific for television) knows that all the Jedi will die either at
the hands of the Chancellor who they swore to protect, or their loyal
trooper or the one they thought to be the chosen one. They all deal
with their cognitve dissonance over Anakin, by far the most heroic of
the Jedi.

--
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Star Wars: the clone wars

Star Wars: the clone wars is fantastic! Seriously.

Blogging clone wars - surprisingly tasteful

Great visuals, natch. Lucas only executive produced. That seems to mean no
sideways wipes.

Plot was fairly well structured on the model of a video game walk-through,
although the whole "save jabba the hutt's baby son from a conspiracy
between count dooku and jabba's drag queen uncle" really messed with my
head. There is also a point where I was sure that they were going to do a
cheesy flashback of anakin and his mommy but instead anakin just looks made
and sad and says he doesn't want to talk about it. First of all, Cgi
looking soulful? Incredible. Second, since when does star wars resist the
temptation to be cheesy, good job.
Actually, there is a really interesting psychological bit: anakin and the
clones are genuinely sympatico. Dakota and I saw an exhibit at houson space
center showing the models they used for this movie and I watched a clip
about the character arc for Anakin's clone captain rex, so I knew it was
deliberate. Its a great retcon, though. It explains why darth vader prefers
to surround himself with storm troopers and has basically nothing but
disdain for the moffs.

Terrible dialog, also natch. Not as bad as jar jar binks but about as bad
as "obi wan versus the snooty librarian"

There are screaming kids in the theatre but I am happy to say that my kids
are not one. The kids are captivated. More so than me at jason's age. And
why not?

Yoda's Mistake

Dakota made an observation that I hadn't thought of about Star Wars. She thought it was a mistake to break up Luke and Leia because a brother and sister are always stronger together. Mostly she thought it was unfair, "Why do they have to be separated?"

Wisdom has come from Dakota in the past, but this is more clearly in the category of an original idea and not just something she heard and is repeating. More importantly she has entered the conversation about Star Wars. I'm so proud.

Elect the Millenium Falcon

I was going to the Post Office web site to see the status of my shipment when the government sucker-punched me with my own nerd-dom.

How do people in the Post Office know what will appeal to big nerds?

Anyhow, I encourage everyone to vote for the Millenium Falcon.

Ghengis Dunbar = Totally Awesome

Ghenghis

Dunbar

What were the management secrets of Genghis Khan? 1. Leadership: Mongol officers were chosen based on merit, rather than class, in contrast to most armies of the Middle Ages. Even Genghis Khan's successor was voted on by his three sons; the two oldest avoided civil war by selecting their baby brother, Ogadai, whom they served loyally. The Mongols' egalitarian management and succession style, and openness to new tools and ideas, led to long-term stability for their empire, which lasted for hundreds of years. In most areas of Asia, they were never conquered but were gradually assimilated into the local populations. 2. Lean Organization: The Mongol "horde" was anything but disorganized. ... 3. Lean Technology: The transportation and weapons of the Mongols also fostered flexibility and responsiveness to changing circumstances. ... 4. Technology Transfer: The Mongols did not have a written language, and they had little specialized technology, aside from the composite bow. But they ... valued them, and would quickly assimilate the expertise -- and experts -- of the societies they conquered, particularly China. The "Not-Invented-Here" syndrome was not a concern for the Mongols. 5. Aggressive Process as a Strategic Weapon: The combination of organizational self-discipline, flexibility and aggressiveness allowed the Mongols to defeat larger armies of that era that were rigidly organized, and whose discipline was superficial. The Mongols cultivated these efficient, collaborative qualities in their horsemen from an early age by their traditional hunt on the Mongolian steppe, where they would encircle large numbers of animals and gradually herd them together for butchering, rather than chasing them down individually. ... Interestingly, historians suggest that the Mongols were not necessarily more bloodthirsty than the societies they conquered, only more ruthlessly efficient. They did treat loyal subjects fairly and, as nature-worshipping animists, did not oppress people or societies for ideological motives -- in an era where religious wars and massacres were the norm. “Management Secrets of Genghis Khan”, by Isaac Cheifetz, Minneapolis Star Tribune, January 17, 2005

Born around 975, Crinan of Dunkeld was the Thane and Seneschal of the Isles. He was the father of King Duncan I, and grandfather of Gospatric. Gospatric was given the Earldom of Northumberland in 1067 by the recently arrived William the Conqueror. In 1072 however, the Earldom was taken back from him. So Gospatric came to Scotland and was made Earl of Dunbar by King Malcolm III. The town and port of Dunbar, on the Lothian coast, has been the scene of many important events in the history of Scotland. The Dunbars were not supporters of Robert the Bruce or a Scottish crown and after the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314 they sheltered the fleeing, defeated Edward II at Dunbar Castle until he could leave Scotland by sea. It is believed that if Patrick of Dunbar had detained Edward then he would have had to recognise the Scottish crown and make peace with Bruce. Instead the two countries fought on for many more bloody years. In 1315, Dunbar and King Robert, who were cousins, settled their differences and when the English occupied the lands of Berwick in 1337, where Dunbar was governor, he renounced any allegiance to Edward III. Dunbar Castle was then attacked by the Earl of Salisbury. The castle was defended by Dunbar’s wife, Black Agnes, who exasperated Salisbury until, after nineteen weeks, he retired to England in failure. He wrote of her:- She kept a stir in tower and trench That brawling, boisterous Scottish wench. Came I early, came I late, I found Agnes at the gate. When the greedy and jealous James I ruled, the huge wealth and properties that the Dunbars had collected for over four hundred years was annexed to the crown. The 11th Earl, Sir George Dunbar of Kilconquhar, was the last. The Dunbar house had expanded by this time to include the Earlship of Moray, which they retained. In 1990 the present claim to the chiefship was settled only after a celebrated court case which was heard first before the Lord Lyon, King of Arms, then the Supreme Court of Edinburgh, then the House of Lords. © Copyright ScotClans. 2006

Master Carolus Javier's Select College for the Sons of Gentlefolk

One of the things that I always enjoyed about fantasy as a genre of fiction was the ability to have thinly vieled characters who are just a stand-in for someone familiar but with ridiculous names.

Here is my name if I were to write a "Star Wars" novel with a thinly vieled stand-in for me as a Jedi...

 

Cartoonishly rendered by me using MS Paint. MS Paint is not to be mistaken for Ms. Paint, who is the character from the 1980's spin-off video game. 


Which brings me to the question. Where am I on the hero's journey (Oh I'm a hero now am I?)

Well, it depends on what the adventure is. I'll say that the adventure is "get some sleep after a difficult final exam" in which case I am in the "refusal to answer the call"


...





okay it's the next morning. My stomach hurt all night thinking about that rotten exam. It's a bit uncharacteristic of me, I know, to break character like this but ARRGGGHHH! The stuff that I got down really cold versus the tough way that they... and then... the but... and then there was this part where... and I should have said ... but I had... and I just blanked!... and... the... what... and... but

LIKE I GOT ANYTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!! E Hewett does all of his exams via the socratic method... and normally not in English. I'll take the tax code over that 9 times out of 10. I'll save the 10th time for the philsophy test that says "Define the universe and give two examples" I've always wanted to take that test.

Anyhow, Louren said that I would feel better watching the Dormitory Boys' new lip-syncs. I love the way that they make fun of the cheesy instrumental riffs. Check this out:




That's funnier that impaling a real potato imitating a anthropmorphized potato simulacrum of early 20th century american xenophobia Not the ice pick ahhhhhh!!!

The "Hank" Commerical From Starbucks

First go see it. (right click on the link and open up in a new window -- it is better that way)

Got it? Now let's talk about....me.

When I was in third grade, the public school district had this magnet program that included a once a week trip to another school, where academic enrichment electives were offered.  The place was no joke. Anyhow, the Yonkers Enrichment Center is where I started to look at media with a critical eye. (Maybe I should also give props to Mario Cuomo and the NY State Summer School for the media arts, but we are getting off topic).

On the first day of one particular course, the teacher had us talk about powerful things we had seen in the media. Because "The Day After" wasn't for another year -  we talked about things like: the first Columbia space shuttle liftoff, "Star Wars", "Jaws", "Friday the 13th" (scary how many 3rd graders had seen it on saturday afternoon tv), the Kiss movie, etc. After establishing that powerful media was all movies and TV, the teacher asked us if we had ever experienced powerful radio. Everybody laughed. Then Ms. Mordillo (I think that was her name) played us Herb Morrision reporting on the Hindenburg disaster. We all admitted that this was pretty good. Then she played us Orson Well's Halloween 1938 War of the Worlds Broadcast.  We went bananas.

"We want to make something that is that good!"

"Great - you have the rest of the semester to script, produce, rehearse, videotape a 30-second television commerical!"

And like hungry wolves upon a crippled Moose, we dug into our material with voracious enthusiasm. (There is normally a long digression in retelling this ancedote. I've trimmed it and left this parenthetical comment as that digression's tombstone)

I remember that Jean-Paul LePez (the director and star), some kid (the scriptwriter and camera operator), and I (the producer and editor) were really pleased with the Cola commerical that we produced. We had a clever product tie-in with a movie (Splash) a good product gimmick ("Splash cola: the one with Grapemon (tm)") and the commerical put important things at stake (a man is crawling through the desert, literally dying of thirst ... for Grapemon) but I always regretted that the final cut somehow was lacking heart. The audience maybe felt a certain degree of pathos because the man was so thirsty, and because he was crawling over linoleum-as-sand... but you just didn't connect with him.

Basically, I wish I had made the Starbucks Espresso Doubleshot commerical called "Bleachers" but popularly known as the "Hank" Commerical. After Louren showed it to me, I just watched it over and over again.

Without further ado, and because everything is better when it is deconstructed --


First the familiar. Some skinny dork running out of his house trying to drink Starbucks Espresso Doubleshot on the run. Nice product shot, you can see the logo. You're thinking "I've seen this countless times: something surreal is going to happend and he's going to have a fantasy day and then its going to announce the 1 in a million chance sweepstakes." But this kid isn't really handsome enough to be the sweepstakes winner. He's wearing a black suit with an ugly green tie (school tie maybe?) and the shirt he's wearing is half a size too big. Cut. Now we see the whole kid framed by the stairwell of his apartment complex. He's got three D-Size drawings under his arm and a briefcase, just enough stuff to be having an awkward time of it but not so much so that it is clear that this is stuff that he drew and not just a bunch of stuff that he's carrying.

Enter the mascot. A bloated parody of the kid complete with caterpiller eyebrows and the same briefcase - but the brief case is a boombox as well. Note that the mascot - with this gigantic noggin - could have been taller than the kid, but he's not. He's just a touch shorter.

The song, if case you are interested is Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2"

The kid turns his head and thinks hey wait a ...

Boom ba boop-boop boom "HANK!"
Boom ba boop-boop boom "HANK!"

Now we see the bleachers. All five rows are full. Cut to Hank proceeding to walk.

Now we see that everyone in the stands are wearing "HANK" T-shirts. HANK is writen in a Serifed font reminiscient of TUFTS or RUTGERS from the early 60s. And its the same color green as Hanks ugly tie. Oh, I get it... its his lucky green tie.

Boom ba boop-boop boom "HANK!"

Hank looks at his fans, or maybe he's looking both ways before crossing the street. Such a nice boy.

Cut to a closeup of two fans in the front row following Hank with their eyes as he passes. Its MOM! She's so proud of her boy that she is about to tear up, making it hard to do the fist pump, not that Hank's mom would ever really pump her fist at all because, you know, she's the gentlest woman on earth. And next to Mom, of course, is DAD. He's positively swollen with pride, but not in the menancing crazy way like Tiger Woods' dad as portrayed by SNL. Behind Mom & Dad is coach. You don't see him now, but you will remember him later. Cut

Hank's standard-sized vehicle is going under the below-the-grade highway bridge and the boosters (and the mascot) are on the overpass, and they raise up a bunch of placards that together spell "HANK" It looks like that to get this shot, they found a underpass with a nice wide sidewalk and shot it from there. I wonder how difficult it was to get a permit from the city. Its kind of a windy day, did they need to do many takes? Did they practice indoors first to get the timing correctly for lifting the placards? Cut.

Hank again. Looking alert. Calm. Oh yeah, the mascot is also taking the elevator. Note that the mascot is wearing sneakers, like a real mascot. Cut.

They raised the bleachers up on scaffolding and it looks like there is a ladder (not a stairwell) in the back. These are not the same extras as were at the apartment complex. Mom and Dad are not in the first row, and then there is some dude not wearing a HANK t-shirt in the first row. Tsk tsk.

Note the jaded professional in the foreground who looks at the fans chanting for Hank and just rolls his eyes as if that happens every day. That makes up for the continuity error. Fantastic! Cut.

Another product shot. Now I see what' going on with no t-shirt boy. He's "Superfan" because he's got a headband. Behind "Superfan" is "wise old mentor" you don't see him now, but you will remember him later. Also it looks like Superfan is sitting someplace else. Dude, don't they number these extras and sit them all in the same place?

Waiting room now. Hank sits ups ever so slightly to straighten his jacket. His eyes are straight ahead. He's ready. For what? An interview, a presentation? Not sure, but now we are starting to know the inner HANK. Put some headgear on him, and he's a wrestler. Put a racket in his hand, and he's a tennis player. Put a golf club ... you get the idea, which is that he's learned some important life lessons from youth sports about drive and heart. Okay now let's meet the inner HANK by seeing the people who are rooting for him:

In front: its "Wise old mentor" wearing a bow tie and a khaki suit. His white wiskers and soulful eyes tell you that at some defining moment, Hank was ready to quit or maybe he was down about a loss or maybe ... well anyway "wise old mentor" was there with some dignified home-spun wisdom to give Hank that extra spark to keep going and to plant a seed for long-term inspiration.

Boom ba boop-boop boom "HANK!" (its a whisper now).

Mom is sitting next to coach. Her brows are knit, she knows that the rough stuff is about to start and she wants to see her boy come out on top. Where's Dad? oh well...

Coach is next to MOM. He's the one with the Hank cap and the silk Letterman jacket.

Childhood Best friend is next to former teammate (cut off in the frame). Childhood best friend is even dorkier than Hank.

Rounding it out in the back row we got: three girls who could be platonic friend, little sis, and maybe girlfriend sitting next to creepy towel guy. cut


For a moment Hank has some trepidation... his eyes wander over to (cut)

coach - who is very very intense. Coach wants this win, for his protege. Note that coach has a coach's whistle. We get it. We get it. Cut

Now for the first time we see one of the game officials. Its the receptionist, "Hank?" she asks with a cocky tilt of the head that says "Wake up, doofus!" cut.

Indeed Hank is lost in thought for an instant. He's wondering "Do I deserve the trust and love of these people rooting for me?" but the receptionist snaps him out of it. These boosters (and of course, Starbucks Espresso Doubleshot) are his secret weapon! He gives his fans a secret smile and bolts up ready to go.

Now the crowd is on their feet. This is it. The mascot either does a move known as "the turtle" (or maybe its a handglide. Ask your local b-boy).

Watch the people in the last three rows. This made Louren laugh really hard.

Someone blasts an airhorn, or maybe its the secretary buzzing Hank through the glass doors. It doesn't matter - Hank is in the game now and he's going to rock his presentation or interview or whatever.

"Delicious Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso Drink. Bring on the day" There is no "X" is espresso, and the voice-over guy nails it.

What really blows me away about the commerical is how fast it moves. There are some 30-second spots that just seem to take a freaking year to watch. Like... you could have read this whole blog entry four times in the time it takes to watch that commerical. Local ads for used car dealerships come to mind.

I IMDBed the Head of production for the spot (Brian Dilorenzo). He was also the Exec Producer for "Do Geese See God?" and "AGENT ORANGE" which you may remember from this past Christmas on AMAZON.COM. Personally, I though "AGENT ORGANGE" was abysmal but had excellent production value. I wasn't familiar with the directors work, but TV is a producer's medium anyway.

I had more to say about the larger social themes that this spot brings up, but I'm unconvinced that anyone who kept reading up to this point wants to keep reading any further.

Nealry finished my brief. Time to get ready for beerbike

beerbike 2005

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say black I say white
You say bark I say bite
You say shark I say hey man
Jaws was never my scene
And I don't like Star Wars
You say Rolls I say Royce
You say God give me a choice
You say Lord I say Christ
I don't believe in Peter Pan
Frankenstein or Superman
All I wanna do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my
Bicycle races are coming your way
So forget all your duties oh yeah!
Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today
So look out for those beauties oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
Bicycle bicycle bicyI want to ride my bicycle
Bicycle bicycle bicycle
Bicycle race

You say coke I say caine
You say John I say Wayne
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the President of America
You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please
Income tax I say Jesus
I don't wanna be a candidate
For Vietnam or Watergate
Cos all I want to do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

"Bicycle Race" by Queen

Duty of Care

Lancelot Link Secret Chimp hits yoda with a 2x4. Yoda then slips on a brown banana that Lancelot left on the floor. Discuss.

Lancelot Link Secret Chimp did not commit battery against Yoda. Yoda used the Jedi mind trick and therefore the act was not volitional. No intentional tort.

Lancelot Link Secret Chimp is not negligent for leaving the banana because he is not a person but a monkey.

Even if Lancelot Link Secret Chimp had been negligent, he owes no duty to Yoda because Yoda is not a person but a little green muppet-like dude.

Wha-what? I'm sorry Trav and Amy, I seem to have gone into a trance-like state of mumbling hypotheticals to myself...

I suppose the heresy is not that Star Wars got bad, but that to begin with, Star Wars merely rose to the level of pretty good, rather than singularly amazing or timeless. The other heresy is that my enduring uncritical enthusiasm for Star Wars was based more on the appearances of the Star Wars characters in children's television, in the public library, and in my youthful imagination, than any cinematic qualities that the first movie possesses. I guess that's not a heresy, just disillusionment. Oh well... at least the other cultural masterpieces of my youth are still universally admired: The Bee Gees Movie Based on Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and the KISS movie based on their supernatural powers (I can't even link that with a straight face).

Speaking of low-quality mass media churned out during the 1970's... Holy Primate Amy! I wish I had come up with something so prolific! The Man from U.N.C.L.E. seemed like an endless target of parody, but I don't know how you could keep that going for a whole freakin hour! They must of had a lot of bananas.

Boomerang will often show Tom And Jerry followed by the low-quality work of Hanna-Barbara from the 60's or 70's (like The Lancelot Link Secret Chimp Hour, which is not one of them but could have been) followed The Smurfs. It makes the Smurfs seem like the renaissance. Which would make the Snorks seem like the Rococco Puffs. I preferred Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter with Super Chrunchberries.

More procrastination from studying for Torts

If there is one area where I am still not solid, its Duty of Care as it applies to omissions. This hurt me on Crim Law also. It's counter-intuitive. The gut instinct is that morally you should help people, so legally you should too. Then, GOTCHA! All sorts of legal and moral hazards come up in creating these sorts of duties, the type that can't be explained away with "bumper-sticker" phrases like "It's bad to legislate morality"

anyway. On to the procrastination:

HoustonChronicle.com - Partners create local 'Japanimation' station

Actually, I've got nothing to say about this article. I've been rewatching Last Exile on the new combined G4 TechTV network (I've got a separate rant on how Tech TV isn't nearly nerdy enough but I'll skip it for now) which I've previously talked about how this show is like the best video game ever. That doesn't push the heresy envelop near far enough, so here is one which I've been roasting on for a while.

This show is an above-average done but fairly standard anime. That said, it is an epic vision of a different world like our own but with its won history, legends, technology, culture, faiths, social classes and darn it if it doesn't even have its own physics. These are all the things that Kevin Smith says is so brilliant about "Star Wars" with a strong implication that Lucas is somehow singular in his ability to read Jospeh Campbell and paint by numbers.

At a certain point, however, I have to admit that their are visions of other worlds that are much more compelling and far less cheesy than Lucas. It's a bit sad that with only a few months to go before the last movie of the epic, the illusion seems to be wearing off, especially since I was such a big far for these last twenty-seven years.

The last straw was not this Japanese Cartoon but an article in EW about the Star Wars Holiday Special and the realization that I definitely saw it on TV when it aired in 1978. I saw this and a little more than a year later, the episode of the Muppet show with Mark Hamill, and the following year R2-D2 and C3PO on Sesame Street (couldn't find any good links). I was as uncritically positive about these airings as one might expect from a preschooler, kindergartener, and first grader. I remember talking my friend, Larry, about how Sesame Street was getting kind of babyish, except for that "totally mint" episode with the 'droids. I also remember going to the public library and listening to the soundtrack on vinyl with other 1st graders.

Eugene, of course, thought that the whole thing was stupid and likes to make fun of me about liking Star Wars. I didn't understand this at all, since we both liked the original movie. But over the years, I filled in the blanks by seeing the movies that he saw that I didn't like "2001:A Space Oddessey," "The Man that Fell to Earth," "West World," and "Logan's Run"

and his disdain for Star Wars fandom is more understandable.

I suppose what I am saying (here comes the heresy) is that George Lucas ain't all that. His vision isn't timeless nor even all that epic and that after the last movie comes out, more than anything else, I will probably just feel a sense of relief.