Dakota and Dad's recipe for Thanksgiving Cranberry Sauce

People think that havinga a recipe for Thanksgiving cranberry sauce is
very important because of tradition. Here is ours:

Step one: get money
Step two: go to store
Step three: buy a can of canberry sauce
Step four: for Thanksgiving dinner, open the can and pour it into a fancy dish
Step five: put dish on table
Step six: say "Look we have cranberries"
Step seven: ignore the dish for the rest of dinner
Step eight: throw cranberries out

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Chocolate Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie Batches

Batch 1
  Actually these came out ok, but it tastes a bit undercooked in the middle. Not in a bad way, its the molasses.
Dakota's comment: Next time you should do something like the crust of a pie.
Jason's reaction: wildly enthusiastic
Adjustments: More flour and baking soda


Batch 2
  Headed in the wrong direction here. These came out dry and crumbly. Also the almond extract flavor is now very noticable. Almond extract is a curse; a pox on my cookies. Fie! Fie! Yarrrrrrrr.
Dakota's comment: Next time use tortillas instead of oatmeal. Why? You might as well have used tortillas the way you are covering up the good chocolate flavors!
Jason's reaction: wildly enthusiastic
Adjustments: added cinamon, dark corn syrup, mayo, cook for 12 minutes rather than 10.




Batch 3
 This is more like it, but they just don't taste as yummy as I want them to taste
Dakota's comment: Hey these tast great!
Jason's reaction: wildly enthusiastic
Adjustments: FOUND THE DAMN BROWN SUGAR! Also going back to 10 minutes and making the footprint of the cookie smaller on the tray


Batch 4
 Like the American auto industry, I have burned through all my dough. This last batch was a little sticky but very very taste-tay!
Dakota's comment: Wow!
Jason's reaction: wildly enthusiastic




Lessons Learned: Cookie dough is like pancake batter, in the sense that if it tastes lousy in the bowl, it won't get magically better in the oven. Also, there are many subsitutes for different ingredients and mayo seems to work ok for eggs and oil but there is no good substitute for brown sugar. Almond extract? Its bad, horrible. If you ever buy oatmeal cookies rather than another type because you think its healthier, then you are fooling yourself.

Adventures in single dad cooking

No oatmeal cookie recipe. Used internet
No eggs. Use mayo
No vanilla extract. Used almond extract
No measuring
Didn't like batter flavor... Added white wine (works for frying and
sautees. Why wouldn't it work here?)

Can't find brown sugar (I know its somewhere...) instead I mixed in a miasma of dark corn syrup, light corn syrup, molasses, and cocoa powder

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Blogging Terry Aki

The title to this post is an inside joke. No one who reads this blog knows either Terry or Aki.

When I was in Vancouver, we had Yum Cha after the wedding and they brought out this delicious dish. It was these thin tender but crispy noodles, strips of chicken, big longitudinally sliced mushrooms. There was a light but flavorful broth and a hint of some sort of chinese herb.

"So, Aunt Carrie," my brother asks, "what is this?"

"Shoumeee"

"Wait... did you just say this was chicken chow maine?"

"Yes"

"No way."

"Way."

"Excellent. Party on Wayne"

"Party on Garth"

Everything after the "Yes" was a delirious episode of "My Favorite Martian" but as I sit here eating the "Terry Achey Chicken" recipe cooked up by the deli in our lobby, I like the flavor but the whole wheat dinner roll is throwing me for a loop. At least I can make it into a Sloppy Tso.

If I had a serious point here, it would be that yesterday's editorial by David Brooks of the bird-cage liner, is a contest between astounding rascism and pure name-calling. In any case, the cooks in our cafeteria show a deeper and more respectful understanding of Chinese culture and society than David Brooks, and Diet Dr. Pepper goes terrific with all meals. Dr. Pepper himself is an example of the spirit of individualism that Brooks espouses. I'm drinking it up right now. It really does taste more like regular. If I think of Dr. Pepper before the Lonely Hearts Club Band plays then I will experience more.

My predicition for the commencement address tomorrow:

Congratulations class of 2008. It's time to party like its um... 1999? The future will be different than today. For example, you will be older. But in many ways, things will stay the same. For example, if you were a smoker before law school, I bet that hasn't changed any. That's because these were classes about the law. The class on how to quit smoking is available through Leisure Learning, or maybe through your local community center. But that's not important now. What's important now is that it's a hot day here in Houston and you are all baking in your black velvet robes and funny looking hats. That's awesome. Way to sweat it out. It's like a metaphor for law school, see? Ha ha ha ha ha! (wiping tear away from eye) Anyhow, good luck on the bar because if you don't pass, all this stuff you did here is meaningless.

They take pride in their work at the Sugar Land chick-fil-A. I am reminded of the scene in "Atlas Shrugged" where Hugh Angstrom makes the hamburger for Dagny.

20 year old Turmeric

An alternative title for this blog entry was going to be "Old Spice" but there is so much more comedy to be mined here than a pun.

First of all: McCormick should be mocked for stealing the advertising concept of STRIDE CHEWING GUM, except that the McCormick people actually put an AWESOME WEB APP that tells me "Your product was manufactured on 7/15/1987"

And thanks to VH1, I don't even have to work hard to wax nostalgic about 1987.

Seriously, this almost (but not quite) beats the gigantic can of tomato soup that Andy Chen gave us as a house warming gift.

Was it to eat or as an object d'art?
Isn't eating just a form of "performance art"?
Isn't all art just consumption?
Isn't the point of the movie "Moulin Rouge" that "love conquers greed but consumption conquers Nicole Kidman"?

Second:

Where did this Turmeric come from? The possible source are-

1. I obtained it from one of my roommates

2. Louren brought it from Florida

3. One of Louren's parents got it from one of their parents

4. Someone left it at our house.

5. Baltimore

The correct answer is "Apple Core, Baltimore, who's your friend...?" ME!

Third:

A Harold Pinter Play in One Act

[William enter stage right holding ancient can of Turmeric]

WILLIAM: It still smells like Tumeric! [pronounced like two words - "Tumor" and "Rick"]

LOUREN: Do you even know what Turmeric is supposed to smell like? I don't even know what recipes call for it.

WILLIAM: You add it to Béchamel to make Béarnaise sauce.

LOUREN: That's Tarragon.

WILLIAM: Oh.

[curtain]

Fourth:
Didn't Magellan die trying to go to the supermarket trying to pick up some Turmeric?
By "go" I mean "circumnavigate planet earth in a starship" by "starship" I mean "Jefferson Airplane" and
by "Jefferson Airplane" I mean "a boat less seaworthy than my Boy Scout Regatta Rubber-band propelled sloop" and
by supermarket I mean "The Philippines" and
by "pick up some Turmeric" I mean "forcibly subjugate thousands of natives with a force of a few dozen scurvy-mad recently released convicts"

....

I believe that Magellan's last words were "should have gone to Baltimore"

Law school survival tip

Law school survival tip: eating surplus bagels left in commons from an earlier event is ok. But... avoid the cream cheese!

Saucey Policy

Policy is a funny word. Say it five times in a row. Did you make up a little song ?

Cerebro purchases Chrysler

New chairperson, Bastion, promises to bring an era of peace for all mankind by introducing the Dodge Sentinel: a family size-sedan equipped with mutant tracking and destroying technology.

Dr. Henry McCoy has pledged to work with regulators to ensure that the new vehicles include everything except for the last two features. "We think that the American consumer would just prefer something like OnStar"

I am harnessing the full potential of the internet!!!!

The power to add more banality to the collective consciousness.



Step 1: Capture banality on my cell phone.
Step 2: Upload banality to YouTube.
Step 3: Share banality on my blog.
Step 4: Add irrelevant tags.

"1 cup of pudding in the mix for extra moist cake"

So Will and Dave come home from a late night ice cream, tp, and cake baking supplies run.

"and look, we got a box of pudding!" Excited eyes and faces from the boys.

Louren, confused, "yeah, and?"

Boys: "to add to the cake batter. To make it more moist!"

Louren: "Whatever"

Flash forward to this morning, as Louren is baking much belated birthday cake for Jason (and early birthday cake for Dave).

Boys: "did you bake the cake?"

Louren: "It's in the oven now"

Boys: "did you add the extra pudding?"

Louren: "Um, guys? You do know that the pudding is already included in the mix, in powder form. And nowhere does it say to add pudding."

Boys: "so did you add the extra pudding anyway?"

Louren: "huh?"

Boys: "we just like pudding!"

How Urban Legends Get Started

 

From : Southern Living Magazine
To : Louren Li
Subject : URGENT SAFETY NOTICE REGARDING ICEBOX ROLLS RECIPE
Sent : Saturday, March 27, 2004 11:25 PM

URGENT NOTICE REGARDING POTENTIAL FIRE AND SAFETY HAZARD IN RECIPE FOR ICEBOX ROLLS ON PAGE 154 OF THE APRIL 2004 ISSUE OF SOUTHERN LIVING

Please DO NOT USE the Icebox Rolls recipe. Combining the water and shortening as described in the recipe may cause the mixture to ignite, is extremely dangerous, and could result in fire and safety hazards. The correct recipe is currently available on our website, southernliving.com. It will also be reprinted in the May issue of Southern Living. If you have any questions, please call 1-888-836-9327.

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I can't believe that I had never heard about honku until Chelse mentioned it on the Hollerer. The 17 syllables of serenity seem especially appropriate during these Super Bowl days whereby the construction zone in front of our building is currently bereft of traffic cops because they have been pulled off to Reliant Stadium.

My own frustration at Houston Traffic being what it is, and necessity being the mother of invention, my own recipe for relief from overwhelming rage while driving is to sing "Comfortably Numb" like Pavarotti.

That's just corny, Will Li!

Maybe. But I saw an interview on Letterman where Pavarotti explained that he began his training in opera by being told to yell as loud as he could. From there the teacher had Pavarotti back it off until screaming became deep soul bellowing. This is how Pavarotti learned the limits of his control. I don't know if I've learned quite the same lesson, but I do make a terrible racket and then I laugh.

So do I sound like Roger Waters as a tenor?

That's exactly what I sound like.