When I was in first grade, I had a friend who I thought was cool.
He also thought he was cool, so much so that tried to be Fonzie. Being Fonzie
was an ideal that all the boys at P.S. 26 aspired to, but my friend (who shall
remain nameless... oh nameless is boring... let's call him "Herbert"
as in Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli), Herbert, was the most explicit about his
aspiration to be Fonzie. For various reasons this aspiration was not challenged by anyone and, in fact, greatly respected by all.
How did Hebert emulate the
Fonz? It was not by having hair so perfect that it did not need combing
(although Herbert did have that in a very "1980 kid" kind of way) nor
by riding a motor cycle or having a leather jacket or saying "Ay..."
or by being able to turn electro-mechanical equipment on/off by snapping or
hitting the side of it with finesse or by having the power to summon chicks...
Hebert probably could have done all of these things and thinking about his
later life (which, sadly, was filled with strife like the episodes where Fonzie
goes blind, rides to the top of Dead Man's Peak, gets hit in the face by a
drunk Richie, is dumped by the deaf chick, is dumped by Heather, unknowingly
meets father who had abandon him as a baby, begrudgingly meets his half-brother who bears
the grim news that his aforementioned father has died, has his bike disassembled, endeavors in
vain to get the town to overcome its racism, is frozen by Mork from Ork, has
the near-fatal accident, and almost loses Pinky Tuscadero to the Malachi crunch
only to lose her to the realization that her fame will eclipse his identity,
and is nearly run out of town by the fascist cop all at once... whoa!) probably
did, eventually.
But in first grade, Herbert
concentrated on one particular aspect of Fonzie emulation, and that was being
wise like the Fonz. This was embodied in many Fonzie to Richie like
pronouncements to me about how to be cool, and... if you have already guessed:
that he would emulate Fonzie by predicating requests that I slap fives with the
first half of a rhyming couplets (the second half of which would be revealed
following the conveyance of said five and would normally have rhyme that was
both wistful and ironically cosmic) ... then give yourself a big 'ol
"exactamundo."
Anyway: First grade was years
before the mainstreaming of the holiday where we celebrate the eco-catastrophe
of our species' unbridled avarice, pride, and sloth (Wikipedia tells me that
Earth Day started in 1970, but I don't believe anyone knew what Earth Day was
before Captain Planet) so in that sense, Hebert was extremely cool for predicting
that we would all be slapped Earth Day on our Birthday or on April 22 which was
everyone's Birthday, everyone from planet Earth, that is.
So...
Slap me Earth Day, Herbert.
Slap me Earth Day, indeed.
.
