Trav: That's Not a Canonical Rant and This is Why:

There are certain arguments that I've made over and over again for many years now. They are set pieces of monologue which I've recited and edited to such a degree that its really more a matter of giving me the right queue to hear me say it. The tone is irate and sarcastic but the canny "practiced many times" quality of the rant raises some doubt as to whether or not I even feel passionately about it anymore. Some of the canonical rants include:

If its a fact, I believe it.
This rant can be blamed on Dr. Stephen Tyler - the anth prof, not the Aerosmith singer. Normally I'd make a link to Aerosmith.com but you get the idea.

Why do people always say that Mussolini made the trains run on time because he really didn't.
This rant comes from Mr. Barrou my 8th grade history teacher. I think I spelled his name wrong.

The first computers where actually women who could operate adding machines
I think this is an episode of Nova that I adapted by interpreting that episode's spicy neo-factiods in a way that is probably a terrible misreading of what actually happened in history but is overall a much more compelling narrative about the evils of Information Technology. I normally launch this rant when someone tries to assert that Microsoft is evil and that some other information technology is good or that there was some sort of golden era of IT akin to the garden of Eden where all technologists were innocent and all technological pursuits were of benevolent origin; seeking only to enrich the greater good of universal enlightenment. And they all drove Mustangs or Pink Cadillacs with big fins. And they smoked pipes. And had great hair. And names like "Duke" and "Conrad." And they hung out with Astronauts. And arm-wrestled. And had amazing assistants that were demure with their hair in a bun and thick horn rimmed glasses, but remove the bobby pins and the glasses and . . . K A P O W ! ! ! . . .
super bombshell. And then the Red Baron and the legion of evil tried to steal the Statue of Liberty but the Information Technologist of America devised a devilishly clever operating system upon which they wrote a really killer app and Lady Libery was safe so the last real president (Eisenhower) came out and shook everyone's hand. "Thanks boys, keep up the good work" and Dad got home in time to fix little Jimmy's Flexible Flyer and Mom had a big turkey all ready. Well, that just didn't happen.

The three greatest villains of Western Civilization are the guy who wrote Three Musketeers, Aristotle, and Wagner
Actually, this more of an apocryphal rant since being dropped from the cannon of things about which I rant.