CALLS -- A most odious of headline verbs

A pet peeve of mine is when headlines announce that some person holding some title or rank "calls" upon someone or something else to do or not do something. As in

"UN Secretary General calls upon the factions to cease all hostility"

"Senator So-and-so calls upon disgraced Blah-de-blah to resign"

Whenever I read in the paper or hear on the radio that someone calls upon whomever to whatever my initial responses are:

a) Who the Heck do you think you are?
b) Shove it!
c) I call upon the caterers of the world to bring me delicious sandwiches for life! Abracadabra, gesundheit!

The verb, as used by the news media, correctly conveys the notion that the caller has no judicial, political, economic, or military authority to compel the callee to bend to his will. What the caller has is the misbegotten notion that they have the moral authority to do so, because they are oh so important. Generally this is a not inaccurate portrayal of how the caller sees himself (and its almost always a "he"). And this high faluten (a word that rhymes with gluten) hypocrisy irritates me to distraction.

Therefore, I call upon all public declarants to stop calling for stuff. Here is what you should do instead:

A) Demand. And threaten unspecified reprisals.
B) Condemn. Its judgmentalism without the hypocrisy of believing that your opinion should inspire different behavior.
C) Whine. Closer to accurate.
D) Begs for the sake of the children of wherever. Because everybody loves children.
E) Rants incoherently. Too true.
F) Sings a stirring rendition of "Tonight, Tonight" from "West Side Story". This would be my favorite and everyone would know what you are doing and why.



Newsline:

Senator Soandso, outraged by the antics of Blahdeblah, took the Senate floor today and sang a stirring rendition of "Tonight, Tonight" from "West Side Story". Although opinions are sharply devided over Blahdeblah, there was bipartisan agreement that Mr. Soandso should not quit his day job.

"Leave the singing to Barbara Steisand," said Doofus Mouthpiece, spokesperson for Blahdeblah.

A high-ranking aide to Mr. Soandso, speaking on a condition of antonymity, reported that Soandso followed his performance with a lozenge because his throat got sore. "But you didn't hear it from me," said the aide antonymimously.