The Story of Thanksgiving

In honor of THANKSGIVING I wanted to tell the story of Thanksgiving.

After being warned by John Wayne to get out of England. The puritans headed to Amsterdam, in order to enjoy religious freedom. They found that the Dutch value freedom a bit too much, so they got together and said, "Let's go to some semi-frozen wasteland where there are savages and disease and hardship." "Why should we do that?" "Then we can practice religious freedom our way! People will be free to only believe what we believe!" "Hooray!"

So they hitched a ride with some merchants who dropped them off at some Plymouth Rock "This wasn't were we wanted to go" "we are sick of you, see ya"

They promptly failed to get their crop of rice, barley, and foolishlyrelyonmetolivebecauseIamabigstupid berry and most of them died.

Then Tonto showed up and suppressing his better instincts to kill the invader of his homeland, decided instead to teach them to plant corn with rotting fish it makes the corn grow better.

WARNING THIS NEXT BIT IS A LIBERAL DOWNER!

That fall in 1621, the Pilgrims were so happy not to be dead that they had a party to thank their Native American friends "We promise that our descendants won't wipe you out in a racist frenzy"

"Okee dookee"

AMERICANS ARE BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! Bleah!
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Years later Benjamin Franklin said, "Wild Turkey is a noble and beautiful... what was the question?"

Then George Washington declared that all Americans would celebrate a big feast to kick off the Christmas shopping season.

Oh... and something about football.

Then there was the part where Peppermint Patty invited Franklin and a bunch of other people over to Charlie Brown's house and Snoopy served them toast and popcorn.

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My favorite Thanksgiving memory from my childhood is when we took my Grandma to a fancy new French restaurant on Central Park West. We enjoyed all enjoyed a pretentious family dinner of prix fixe entrees. My French reading comprehension was near its peak so I could almost read what it said on the menu, but luckily we had the waiter to act like a bad 1970's sitcom stereotype of a snooty waiter.

"What is Dinde?"

"C'est turKEY, petit homme."

The waiter looked at me with disgust and disdain as if to say "See what your abomniable culture has forced us to cook?"

I looked at the waiter and said "If we really wanted Turkey, do you think that we would have come here?"

At that point, my Mom scolded me.

"William!"

After dinner we went back to Grandma's apartment and played Scrabble. Eugene won on the last word. It was typical Eugene Scrabble. I put down something like "ICON" which he turns into "LEXICON" with the X on a triple letter and the L on a double word and he clears his rack and there are no more letters and Mom and I both had seven letters in our rack and mom was holding onto a "Z" because she saw "UNFROZEN" for her next turn, which would have been like a billion points.