Wildlife we've seen today...

Birds

those anthropomorphic, colored shapes who help others

In this scene, I fall asleep and then Dr Teeth comes up with a plan to help me evade Doc Hopper.

This is why my Rotisserie Baseball team came in last

Only one of my players (Dykstra) was named by George Mitchell. Yikes.

A tableau of Charlie Brown with his earnest tree, rendered in aluminum with electrical lights

Dakota says, "its a christmas miracle! " And you know... it sorta is.

Midnight Oil lead singer now an Australian Cabinet Minister (America's Rock n Roll administration)

How awesome. I know that I've previously discussed how Bruce Springsteen should be the Democratic nominee, but I must say that I love the idea of rock stars in Politics. Therefore without further ado. Here is the cabinet of the Springsteen Administration:

Department of Agriculture
Secretary John "Cougar" Mellencamp
www.usda.gov

Department of the Interior
Secretary Willie Nelson
www.doi.gov

Department of Commerce
Secretary Grace Slick (No Corporate Rock? No, Corporate Rocks!)
www.doc.gov

Department of ...And Justice For All
Attorney General James Allen Hetfield
www.usdoj.gov

Department of Defense
Secretary Chuck Norris (he is so a Rock star. Oh yeah? Fine, you tell him.)
www.defenselink.mil

Department of Labor
Secretary James Brown (do not respond with your Techno music refrain!)
www.dol.gov

Department of Education
Secretary Murray Cook (hands in the air, rockabye your bear, bears are now asleep, sh sh shhhhhhhh!)
www.ed.gov

Department of State
Secretary Bono
www.state.gov

Department of Pure Energy
Secretary Paul Robb ("I wanna know, what you're thinking")
www.energy.gov

Department of Traffic
Secretary Steve Winwood
www.dot.gov

Department of Health & Human Services
Secretary Mike Stipe (because everybody hurts... sometimes)
www.hhs.gov

Department of the Treasury
Secretary Sean "Puffy" Combs (I just wanted to give a shout-out to the diddy)
www.ustreas.gov

Department of Homeland Security ... President Springsteen would break up this poorly conceived monstrosity and revert to managable executive departments.

Department of Veterans Affairs
Secretary Chuck Norris (no, I'm serious... What do you mean he can't be in charge of two different executive branch departments? You tell him if you want to get your face busted in so badly)
www.va.gov


Department of This Is Not My Beautiful House
Secretary David Byrne
www.hud.gov

Mr. Chime Mere He, as it is now; the 2nd verse.

Apparently on "Heroes" there is a problem with strain 138. This is not the first time that this has happened. Read this carefully.

Clemens was wrong, however, the illness is not within advertising but within holiday times. Now for the infection:


Many people who dislike Techno music in general will nonetheless admit that there is something infectious about the throbbing bass beat. I like the disco-vibe of a speeded up "Tom-Tom Club." boom-CHICKA-boom BOOM becomes:

boomCHickaboombooM boomCHickaboombooM
boomCHickaboombooM boomCHickaboombooM

And on and on...

The rhythms itself is so rich that it needs barely anything extra to become a really catchy song. Just add some percussive sleighbells, maybe the wah-wah of the occasional tubular bells in sort of a doorbell "ding-dong" and add "Animal" from the "Muppet Show" singing the first four words of "Jingle Bells" and you have a song.

The song can last hours

...days even.

In fact, it can last all the way to X-mass. X-mass being the critical mass at which your brain laden with the relentless


JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS!
(boomCHickaboombooM boomCHickaboombooM) [Ding-dong! Ding-Dong!]
JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS!
(boomCHickaboombooM boomCHickaboombooM)


'slodes

Things that matter at grocery

Things that matter at grocery store: it should big, well lit, good prices, intuitive layout, and fast checkout.


Is that so much to ask?

What do you get when you cross a "Donkey", some bull, and a lame duck? Lotus Notes 8

No, its not an insult of Lotus Notes 8 that I made up. Its an insult to the world that IBM made up in the form of an advertisement campaign.

I know I've complained before that IBM has the worst advertising in the world, but it bears repeating. Seriously, IBM is one of the few companies whose advertisements reach a level of stupidity that truly appalls and offend me.


Here are some more animals that IBM should have made to describe the state of their product:

• An Albatross-> Notes has a huge span of features that makes it unstable and clumsy.


• A White Elephant -> Market share is getting smaller and smaller


• A Pig -> Oink! Oink! I'm eating bandwidth. Oink! Oink! I'm devouring your SAN. Oink! Oink! More processors! More!


• Bigfoot -> BAM! You don't see my footprint on the desktop because you are in the valley left by it.


• The Sphinx -> #08:08 This is not an emoticon, its an error message. I know, it's cryptic, just like the...


• A Sloth -> You want to get through the tangle but this hairy beast just hangs.


• Frankenstein's Monster-> A soulless and malevolent (IMAP non-compliant) reincarnation of parts of bodies long thought dead (PLATO, cc:mail, "@"functions macro language); all accursed. Abandoned in disgust/terror by its creator (Ray Ozzie) and serving as a cautionary tale to others embarking on such hubris-tic quests (Google), such as heading into frozen lifeless wastelands ("blogspot").

Do I actually feel this way about the product? No, and that's the point.


The advertising makes me think up all these cheap-shot complaints, and notwithstanding their validity, these cheap-shot complaints are so pithy and amusing to me that it sticks in my head.

That's bad advertising. Not "so bad its good" but "so bad that the Boards of Directors at both IBM and the ad agency ought to apologize"

Yuck!

Well, if A-rod doesn't follow Torre and Mattingly he's cuckoo

My favorite part of Fletch is where Chevy punches the photograph of Tommy Lasorda.

Anyhow, I am really going to root for the Astros now, at least whenever they play the Dodgers. Not that I blame any of the should-be coaches in exile.

Its like the 80s are back. I can cheer the players when the Yanks win and BOO!!! Steinbrenner when they lose.

"Can Google kill PowerPoint?" Ha!

Can Google kill PowerPoint? asks By Paul Boutin of Slate Magazine

"No," he answers.

"No kidding," I reply.

But what he really should have done is retort like this.

Hallow Houston traffic. Its frightening.

Hallow Houston traffic. Its frightening. Sleepy People driving around like headless horsemen. Boo

Well... it looks like A-rod's going to the Dodgers

Although I am very disappointed by this development, I certainly understand. La-la land is a place where entertainment industry characters of far lesser strength, dexerity, constitution, and charisma get far more gold. Time will only tell if A-rod will lost the encumberance of the pinstripes. Although he nearly by himself in an advanced prestige class, for sure, he will take his game to the next level, where he will have more hits, points, plus greater chances on NL relievers' saving throws.



He must beware, however, of future encounters with the Yankees. I suspect that his party will have the initiative if there is a melee, but the Yankees know some dark magic as a result of being so diabolic (that is to say, lawful evil).

Disappointed over Don

I am also disappointed to see Mattingly exit the bombers. Although, not nearly disappointed as Mattingly himself. Joe G continues the Yanks tradition of having catchers as managers that includes Yogi and... well Yogi is enough.

Where will the Don go? Will he ever come back? I don't know, but I will welcome the prodigal sons return if he does. Maybe he can come down to Houston. If he does, I'll invite him over and he can help me build the playset for the kids. I bet he'd like that. Uh oh, this is getting to be a repeat of the happy days post. ("Get it? The mailbox is Haldeman!")

I hope that he doesn't end up at the Red Sux or the Mutts. I would feel very cornflicted, like Parcels at the Cows.

Barn jackets and ugly totes

Barn jackets and ugly totes ~ i wish atkinson and cool j got together and formed a supergroup.

It is time for the Don

I know that the Steinbrenner sons are going to be tempted to hire a "moneyball" Skipper, but that's a mistake. Don Mattingly is the one. He's old school, but he's no fool.

I - 10 snarled again ~

I - 10 snarled again ~
n p r blahs from afar ~
brave zone free city

That's a big airplane

But Boeing is still better. Is it more orders, better technology, or sheer patriotism that motivates my statement?

How silly! None of the above.

Boeing is just a pleasing name like: Scott Baio, Oasis, or Ionosphere.

Just say it over and over again, putting the emphasis on the "B"... pretty soon the "e" drops out and you are ready to follow the bouncing ball:

we got cubes, me and you and q*bert
me and you -- and q*bert

Gumbo beer chicken italian cheese

Gumbo beer chicken italian cheese caserole with gingerbread topping. You have to taste it to believe it.

The Problem with the "Draft Gore" movement

Compare: http://www.draftgore.com/poster.asp
With: http://www.iisg.nl/~landsberger/images/mzd12.jpg

This sort of diefication is not healthy.

A beautiful rainbow shines down

A beautiful rainbow shines down on goode co bbq. Rubber necking delays. Oh houston

Zamboni!

They take pride in their work at the Sugar Land chick-fil-A. I am reminded of the scene in "Atlas Shrugged" where Hugh Angstrom makes the hamburger for Dagny.

People of ft bend county:

People of ft bend county: westpark tollway is closed. Take alternative routes. Fnord.

Parked between two identical porshe

Parked between two identical porshe convertibles at the mall of suburban bliss. I would take a picture but why? Anyway camera failed

Traffic jam sun blinds ~

Traffic jam sun blinds ~ jason sings bob marley cries ~ "i don wan na wait"

20 year old Turmeric

An alternative title for this blog entry was going to be "Old Spice" but there is so much more comedy to be mined here than a pun.

First of all: McCormick should be mocked for stealing the advertising concept of STRIDE CHEWING GUM, except that the McCormick people actually put an AWESOME WEB APP that tells me "Your product was manufactured on 7/15/1987"

And thanks to VH1, I don't even have to work hard to wax nostalgic about 1987.

Seriously, this almost (but not quite) beats the gigantic can of tomato soup that Andy Chen gave us as a house warming gift.

Was it to eat or as an object d'art?
Isn't eating just a form of "performance art"?
Isn't all art just consumption?
Isn't the point of the movie "Moulin Rouge" that "love conquers greed but consumption conquers Nicole Kidman"?

Second:

Where did this Turmeric come from? The possible source are-

1. I obtained it from one of my roommates

2. Louren brought it from Florida

3. One of Louren's parents got it from one of their parents

4. Someone left it at our house.

5. Baltimore

The correct answer is "Apple Core, Baltimore, who's your friend...?" ME!

Third:

A Harold Pinter Play in One Act

[William enter stage right holding ancient can of Turmeric]

WILLIAM: It still smells like Tumeric! [pronounced like two words - "Tumor" and "Rick"]

LOUREN: Do you even know what Turmeric is supposed to smell like? I don't even know what recipes call for it.

WILLIAM: You add it to Béchamel to make Béarnaise sauce.

LOUREN: That's Tarragon.

WILLIAM: Oh.

[curtain]

Fourth:
Didn't Magellan die trying to go to the supermarket trying to pick up some Turmeric?
By "go" I mean "circumnavigate planet earth in a starship" by "starship" I mean "Jefferson Airplane" and
by "Jefferson Airplane" I mean "a boat less seaworthy than my Boy Scout Regatta Rubber-band propelled sloop" and
by supermarket I mean "The Philippines" and
by "pick up some Turmeric" I mean "forcibly subjugate thousands of natives with a force of a few dozen scurvy-mad recently released convicts"

....

I believe that Magellan's last words were "should have gone to Baltimore"

"Reading is the opposite of laughing." -Dakota

Sundae afternoon with dakota, playing tic tac toe with three players -two of them played by dakota. The third player is "cat" who wins ties

The Elkridge Hollerer: Someone is eating the moon

Someone is eating the moon
eating the moon with a spoon
with a spoon, O! too soon
O! too soon is noon to croon
is noon to croon of Dune
Of Dune the moon is Maud'Dib
"Tell us of your home world, Usul"
Then you can have some streusel
I made it in the stiech, so I'll get rich
which is why I sigh, "my guy: bye bye eye (in book 2, boo-hoo)"
which rhymes
Oh obtrusive rhymes!
only made worse by rhyming the word with itself
or not rhyming at all.

Anyhow, I read that book when I was a kid, too.
I liked it.

Saturday in the burbs

After 3 mimosas, Louren decides it is time to start studying for the GRE again...

Law school survival tip

Law school survival tip: eating surplus bagels left in commons from an earlier event is ok. But... avoid the cream cheese!

Saucey Policy

Policy is a funny word. Say it five times in a row. Did you make up a little song ?

Another generation

The house finally settles down as the kids and I stop our chatter and tuck into dinner. Realizing that there was a lull Dakota says as if on cue, "What did Lincoln look like? I know he had a hat."

So funny.

Dangerous hunger ~ bad for

Dangerous hunger ~ bad for grocery shopping ~ worse for count dooku

Blogging while shopping: steamfresh is

Blogging while shopping:
steamfresh is lazy as i.
Refrigerator.

The multi-talented Scooter

I don't particularly like the Yankees, and I don't particularly like baseball unless I'm watching it live, but bombast and cheap laughs are each occasionally fun, and Phil Rizzuto (unwittingly) provided the play-by-play for Meat Loaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Light", so Scooter brightened even my world.

R.I.P. Scooter

"Holy Cow! It's a hit."

Phil Rizzuto, the beloved yet paradoxically underappreciated color commentator for Yankees broadcasts on WPIX Channel 11 was the sports announcer from my childhood. Much to my regret, I didn't get to go to many Yankees games nor I was particularly good on baseball trivia. As such, I could not be a "superfan."

But I liked Rizzuto.

It seems like Scooter was the only sports announcer on TV at that time who realized that the people at home where watching the screen and that those people had a basic understanding of the rules of baseball. Therefore, he didn't find it necessary to state the obvious, except for comic effect (see above).

At some point, it seems like Scooter realized he was getting paid to show up and be himself and that it wasn't always necessary to talk about the game, or baseball for that matter. Frequently apropos of nothing, one sensed that this completely freaked out the other announcers who seemed totally unable to respond.

Apparently, he'd often leave before the game was over. I understand that. Some of those years were pretty dismal for the Bombers. I like to imagine that one at least one occasion, he decided midsentence that

Oh William

Your last haiku fails
the middle line is quite wrong
refrigerator

who said Haiku have to make sense?

heeheehee

That's right ladies and gentlemen, she's back!

L

It's a bit late to parody Dave's original blog, but whatever, it's something to do while my meal cooks.

Ravenous person ~
ancient beeping hunger ~
lunchtime doubly so ~

No, I wasn't really blogging while driving.

What's up with I-10? ~
a river of death, more like ~
Let me exit, jerk! ~

Well... Obama just lost my vote.

Do I stop supporting people on a single issue? If it is important enough.

When I read that Obama would be open to invading Pakistan, I am reminded of a proverb that my middle-school home economics teacher attributed to Confuscius: "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

I could trot out all the reasons why this is bad politics and worse foreign policy, but the media will do that and then some over the next few weeks.

Instead, my sole additiona comment is that this sort of statement coming from the "fresh and new" candidate is very discouraging.

To do: eat lunch

When I go downstairs to the sandwich shop in my building and get lunch to eat at my desk (something that happens frequently) I find that I do a strange thing when I get back to my office. Before I sit down to eat, I put my lunch in my in box.

Normally then go get a cup of coffee, but its funny.

Well, it's not like the Oscar for "Best Comedic Performance by a Meal" but whatever.

The Logical Conclusion to the Cranky Diatribe Series: The End of Civilization

I don't normally post the URL for the link, but that's the point here:

http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclient&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&q=president+colon

The world media, as in every news outlet in the world, has decided that the front line of news is ... Anyhow, Google News counts over 2200 stories as of 8:12 PM.

I foolishly thought I would make to retirement age before I decried the end of the civilized world, but I seem to have fallen well short.

I mean, really. REALLY! This is news? I know that its even hard for me to tell when I am tounge-in-cheeck, but in all earnestness, I am outraged that the level of intelligent discourse from so-called journalism - having failed to say anything interesting to say about what's on the president's mind has... well, y'know.

Edward R. Murrow is spinning in his grave.

More Cranky Diatribe: NBC to keep 4 comedies on Thursday - uh duh!

1. No wonder they fired old what's his name... NBC didn't promote their block.
2. They brought in the producer of the "The Office" to run NBC programming, so...
3. ABC has "Grey's Antigone" or as I call it "Unprofessional Doctors Acting Unprofessionally" and CBS has CSI or as I call it "Crapioca" (I owe Val D'Orito a license royalty for borrowing her patented phrase, can I claim fair use?) but big deal. Those shows are tired.
4. Zaff Branigan is leaving Scrubs after 18 episodes? Great... let's just hope the show goes with him, not like "Welcome Back Carter" when Vinny Vega left to be replaced by Ted McGinley. Maybe NBC can replace it with "Futurama". That show rocks!

Why Bill Richardson can't be President (New Mexico tax rebates for film industry)

I was listening to NPR talk about how New Mexico was trying to lure people to shoot films there with big tax rebates. Haven't I already heard this with Houston? Nevermind, the reason why Bill Richardson, Gov. of NM proves that he can't be President is that we don't want to have a 2nd clueless President, and if you blow a softball answer like this, then forget it:

Richardson said something like "You see, many Hollywood star already live in New Mexico like:"

Then this was his list (in order)

1. Shirly MacLaine
2. Val Kilmer
3. Alan Arkin

and um.. um...

4. Julia Roberts

Now don't get me wrong... I think Julia Roberts sucks. She's sucked ever since "Mystic Pizza" (which is essentially "Diner" with the sex-roles reversed). I never thought she was a good actress, and "Pretty Woman" is about the worst movie ever. That said: If Bill Richardson is going to name drop Hollywood types, he should probably remember the "big name"

Can you imagine how this would go down with "President Richardson"

I went to the Vatican and met members of the Swiss Guard, and um um I forget his title, but he had a really pointy hat.

Don't vote for Bill Richardson.

Farewell, Bob Plant

Andy Chen gave Bob to Louren and I as a housewarming present when we got our first place together -- ten years ago. We wanted Bob to come with us to the new place, but we just don't think he can survive the hotel, or being uprooted for that matter.

For years Bob survived in his big black plastic pot. He always held his drink and he never complained. Then one day, he got sick. Actually, it was more like years of neglect. So we put him in bed, and he was revived. Sort of. Bob was changed. He set down roots and despite weathering some rough patches, he held on and held firm. Although it makes us sad, Louren and I always knew this day was coming: an amicable parting from Bob Plant, but a parting of the ways nonetheless.

So farewell, Bob Plant. You were always a faithful companion but your travelin' days are through.

In honor of Ghengis

In honor of the birth of my good friends' blessed event. I have broken one of the cardinal rules of parenting: don't feed chili to a baby.

Actually it was Taco meat, but happy birthday kiddo!!!

iPhone Hidden Feature

Apparently, if you hold your iPhone just right you can TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!!!!

Houston is the Ottawa of the Nation

Some responses are basically obligatory...

My Parody of "The Onion"

Ed Koch and David Dinkins Annouce White House Runs

Former Democratic mayors of New York City, Edward I. Koch and David N. Dinkins have announced their intention to the presidency of the United States as third party candidates. When asked to comment they said in unison, "What do you mean, the rest of America?"

ectomy

They ought to call it "out-a-me." As in, "I had my tonsill-outame in 1977."

Blackstone = Boo!

There is something vaguely worrying about Blackstone IPO raising $4.13B maybe it seems like hubris or maybe it's because I still associate Blackstone with the fiasco of 1987:

Happy Father's Day

Did I change the template for this blog so that we could all enjoy the video in full size? Indeed!!!

Why the ROCKET left the Astros

The Yankees can hit. Giving up three runs in six innings is hardly steller, nor is throwing 69 strikes in 109 pitches. It's not bad, but this isn't the same Rodger Clemens who was let down by the '86 BoSox (losers). Rather its a slightly order Rocket who was let down by the 2005 Astros.

The Rocket needs a team that can hit. Fans that venerate you are great, but Houston will still venerate him after he retires. Yankees fans are special. They only cheer when you win and they boo as soon as you show the slightest bit of weakness.

Go Bombers. Rockets and Bombers.

NBC gets all ABCish

NBC Replaces Entertainment President Reilly in a move that smacks of ABC-like desperation (remember how ABC over-managed "8 Simple Rules")?

What irritates me about Ben Silverman is two things:

1. That should be me running NBC programming, or at least Greg Chwerchak.

2. People act like its a big mystery as to why network TV is losing its audience. Hello? Don't put shows on 6 week hiatus. Audiences want 26 consecutive without repeats. Do actors get to take off for Thanksgiving and Christmas? No... no they do not.

Ghengis is not one of the top names

Trav-

Here is a salve to soothe the anxiety that you are feeling now: Compiled statistical data.

http://www.socialsecurity.gov/OACT/babynames/

Battle at Kroeger

So there is now a Starbucks in the Randalls, Kroger, and Target(s) [both of them] near me. There is also a Starbucks in the Barnes and Noble. There are also five stand-alone Starbucks. Then there are three good free-internet coffee shops. Plus Panera. My point is: Walmart doesn't really have lower prices and their produce is bad.

Scripps National Spelling Bee

Take your own!

Spell the following words:


desiccate
ecstasy
millennium
dumbbell
supersede
accidentally
peddler
minuscule
coolly
accommodate
irresistible
liaison
harass
definitely
occurrence
embarrass
cemetery
inoculate
sacrilegious
weird

A font of wisdom

Kerry, me too. I got pica issues. My are of the "serif v non-serif font for typing my course outline" variety

5 popular things I immediately disliked and have never given a try

And don't think I ever will

1. American Idol
2. Melrose Place
3. Pilates (The name is an insurmountable obstacle... let's not go there)
4. Pearl Jam
5. Clowns and Mimes

Actually, I am fairly certain that mimes are deeply unpopular...

Hey Trav: Modern medicine may have saved Lincoln

The Baltimore Sun reports that Modern medicine may have saved Lincoln if he had been transported to Baltimore via medivac.

Judging from the diagram. Survivor Lincoln's behavior might have been radically different, like the other famous 19th Century story -- Phineas Gage

Cerebro purchases Chrysler

New chairperson, Bastion, promises to bring an era of peace for all mankind by introducing the Dodge Sentinel: a family size-sedan equipped with mutant tracking and destroying technology.

Dr. Henry McCoy has pledged to work with regulators to ensure that the new vehicles include everything except for the last two features. "We think that the American consumer would just prefer something like OnStar"

Ensign, prepare an away team to beam down to the Andes mountains

Stardate: -70422.62 Scot's ashes are lost in the Andes Mountains rather than trapped in a teleporter signal loop inside the dyson sphere. We detected a mysterious energy signature before losing contact. Red shirt ensigns are reporting to transported three.

Dilber - May 5, 2007

Dilbert.com - E-mail This Strip

The character who looks liks Scott Adams is resigning to draw Dilbert and is telling the pointy haired boss "Actually, it's not so much a resignation letter as it is a drawing of your body with a manure head."


see also George Grosz "Stützen der Gesellschaft" (1926).

Rumor has it that Re-Bob was at the first Democratic Primary in South Carolina

Hey Baba, campaign spokesperson for Re-Bob, spoke at the major media by re-explaining that Re-Bob is running as an independent.

"No man is an island, but Re-Bob is a strong foundation," said Hey.

One reporter asked: "Isn't that only true if the bars are evenly spaced at 8 inch intervals"

"First of all," explained Baba doggedly, "one must understand that strength, composition and tolerance are not conflicting dimensions. Secondly, I want to get to the source of the confusion: that person you saw in South Carolina was also from way up north, but it was not Re-Bob. It was, in fact, Mo Gravel. For those of you who can't tell Gravel from Re-Bob, I say to you: you don't know your asphalt from emblem!"

Slap Me Earth Day, Happy Birthday

Happy Earth Day

When I was in first grade, I had a friend who I thought was cool. He also thought he was cool, so much so that tried to be Fonzie. Being Fonzie was an ideal that all the boys at P.S. 26 aspired to, but my friend (who shall remain nameless... oh nameless is boring... let's call him "Herbert" as in Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli), Herbert, was the most explicit about his aspiration to be Fonzie. For various reasons this aspiration was not challenged by anyone and, in fact, greatly respected by all.

How did Hebert emulate the Fonz? It was not by having hair so perfect that it did not need combing (although Herbert did have that in a very "1980 kid" kind of way) nor by riding a motor cycle or having a leather jacket or saying "Ay..." or by being able to turn electro-mechanical equipment on/off by snapping or hitting the side of it with finesse or by having the power to summon chicks... Hebert probably could have done all of these things and thinking about his later life (which, sadly, was filled with strife like the episodes where Fonzie goes blind, rides to the top of Dead Man's Peak, gets hit in the face by a drunk Richie, is dumped by the deaf chick, is dumped by Heather, unknowingly meets father who had abandon him as a baby, begrudgingly meets his half-brother who bears the grim news that his aforementioned father has died, has his bike disassembled, endeavors in vain to get the town to overcome its racism, is frozen by Mork from Ork, has the near-fatal accident, and almost loses Pinky Tuscadero to the Malachi crunch only to lose her to the realization that her fame will eclipse his identity, and is nearly run out of town by the fascist cop all at once... whoa!) probably did, eventually.

But in first grade, Herbert concentrated on one particular aspect of Fonzie emulation, and that was being wise like the Fonz. This was embodied in many Fonzie to Richie like pronouncements to me about how to be cool, and... if you have already guessed: that he would emulate Fonzie by predicating requests that I slap fives with the first half of a rhyming couplets (the second half of which would be revealed following the conveyance of said five and would normally have rhyme that was both wistful and ironically cosmic) ... then give yourself a big 'ol "exactamundo."

Anyway: First grade was years before the mainstreaming of the holiday where we celebrate the eco-catastrophe of our species' unbridled avarice, pride, and sloth (Wikipedia tells me that Earth Day started in 1970, but I don't believe anyone knew what Earth Day was before Captain Planet) so in that sense, Hebert was extremely cool for predicting that we would all be slapped Earth Day on our Birthday or on April 22 which was everyone's Birthday, everyone from planet Earth, that is.

So...

Slap me Earth Day, Herbert.

Slap me Earth Day, indeed.

 .

Trusts and Wills study tip: There is no "s" in decedent

Because when you die, you die alone.

There is an "a" in Descendant.
As in: "Ay! Where's my inherentance?"

Practice:

Decedent
Descendant
Decedent
Descendant
Decedent
Descendant
Decedent
Descendant
Decedant
Descendant
Decedent
Descendant


Better Butter Batter Better Butter Batter Better Butter Batter.

Ok...

Middle game gabmit for Putin-Kasparov

Moscow riot police attempted to hold Kasparov after the World chess champion took the center board position on Russia's e flank.

"Putin, I laugh at ill-balanced counter by your pawns. Cower in your castle because our united opposition is making material as we speak!!!"

A spokesperson for the Moscow people reportedly said of Kasparov, "He's one bad bishop."

Now We Are Six

by A. A. Milne
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five, I was just alive.
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

Sigh... how original to mark Dakota's 6th Birthday with "Now we are six" I can hardly wait until I am asked to speak at a commencement and talk about "Oh the places you'll go" and "the road less traveled."

Milne isn't Dakota. Dakota was fully her own person at about three minutes, and when she was four, she was so much more. And when she was two, we scared the cr*p out of her with Scooby Doo...

Elect the Millenium Falcon

I was going to the Post Office web site to see the status of my shipment when the government sucker-punched me with my own nerd-dom.

How do people in the Post Office know what will appeal to big nerds?

Anyhow, I encourage everyone to vote for the Millenium Falcon.

Re-Bob raises 26 M & Ms

Following the annoucements of the Q1 fundraising totals, candidate Re-Bob's campaign office announce that Re-Bob had successfully raised 26 M & Ms

When asked for a comment, Hey Baba, campaign spokesperson for Re-Bob, said "Don't litter!"

Don't Name Baby Ghengis "Kyan" -- Canonical Rants on Baby Names (mispellings)

Baby Boy Names on reality TV seem more and more to merely be ordinary names with mispellings. That isn't original, it's illiteral.

Please do not name baby Ghengis "Kyan". It is not a good compromise between "Kevin" and "Ryan" it just looks like the top of the name got cut off when the birth certificate form got Xeroxed.

If someone came up to me and said, "Hello, my name is Kyan." I would d think, "oh... like the pepper." Then Kyan would be like "no... with a K!"

Alternatively, I'd think, "Maybe the parents had a dog named 'Blue' and they just thought that they'd pick a classy synonym for blue and just missspelled it..."

Other first names that are just... wrong:

Palph (Even "Balph" is a clever reference to Atlas Shrugged, but "Palph" is just moronic)
Robelt
Frod
Jomh
Any name heard on ST:TNG, which was meant for a space alien but is just lazy writing. Well, congratulations, lazy writer, you've ruined the names "J-lon" and "Darmok" for me.

"Will, it was a subtle reference because he was the Freedom fighter who captured Dr. Crusher in order to get her to save lives, and Jalen means..."

be quiet, lazybones writer! It does not mean that. And even if it does, that just means you are L-A-Z-Y, with one semesters worth of ancient Greek in college. And you got a "C+"

Pirate Pastafarian in Perfectly Preposterous Predicament

So I'm blogging about this kid in NC and found the best website for covering the story. And I am commenting about it on my blog.

Last night in my trade secrets class, I asked about the applicability of the "hot news" exception to bloggers. Was blogging about someone news agency's release unfair competion. The answer (according to my take-away from what the professor said):

Probably for us mortal bloggers -- no.
But for commerical blogs or blogs pretending to be news sources (like Matt Drugde for instance) -- maybe but probably not.


So what about this kid in NC? Apparently he demanded that his "religion" get equal time with "the amount of time that Intelligent Design is given in Kansas." Do you think this kid really cares about the "culture war" issue? I dount it. He's just some wise-guy. Nevertheless, because I have no experience at all as an educator or an administrator, I feel that I can conclusively say that the principal of this school made the wrong decision. This kid shouldn't have gotten a suspension. Clearly that was a waste of a teachable moment. Bad principal! What would have really fixed this kid's apple cart would have been to demand that he explain himself in essay form. Here's the outline:

Title: The Satorial Requirements of the Church of the Flying Spagetti Monster

I: Thesis statement - Pastafarians are instructed to don pirate garb by the Flying Spagetti Monster
II: Context
A. Church of the Flying Spagetti Monster
1. Overall perspective on theology
2. Structure of the theology
3. Tenants of CFSM concerning dress
B. Piracy
1. In general
2. 18th Century pirates of the carribean
3. How they dressed and why
III. Analysis (Wherein the context is synthesized with authorities on theology, philosophy, piracy, and fashion to give some cogent explanation as to why the Thesis should hold)
IV. Conclusion (some larger point to which the Thesis is but a gateway)


Paper should be at least 15 pages of body text (i.e. excluding any footnotes, photographs, illustrations, charts, graphs, tables, etc.) in length, Times New Roman 12 point, 1" margins all around, double spaced. As much as possible the paper should conform to Chicago Manual of Style. The heads of the English and Social Studies department must agree that the work is at a "B" level grade.

The kid gets 1 month to write the essay or else he is suspended
If the kid gets a B, he can don pirate garb with impunity
If the kid gets below a B, but gets above an F he receives no punishment but is barred from ever stylin' with piratewear again.
If the kid fails, he gets afterschool dention for a month during which time he must attend tutoring from the librarian and others on how to write a paper.

Tallest Man in the World Gets Married

Read this first.

You never hear much about Inner Mongolia. Everyone always talks about Outer Mongolia, which is famous for not being "the place where its at." Personally, I think that Outer Mongolia gets a bad rap. Anyhow, who knew that there were Dolphin herds in Mongolia. They must be river-going Dolphins as the Oceans are far away.

The do military recruiters in the United States seek out centers for the Army Basketball Corps? No. There is only one Army basketball team and that's at West Point. I think that this is a big mistake. Remember that episode of Futurama where Farnsworth almost destroyed the universe due to Earth's basketball unpreparedness? (Episode S03E14: Time keeps on slippin') Well... as Futurama is an allegory for contemporary society, we should be wary of what sort of disasters may occur if the United States should find itself unprepared for an emergency and an incompetent executive branch tries to cobble together some ill-conceived solution that endangers everyone.

In conclusion, more American dolphin herders should play basketball in the year 3000.

The Deal on Knut

Knut, in fact, had a twin who died suddenly. Here is some explanation of that:

This is Knut and his twin



This is what happened in Knut's backyard. Shocking!



What an attrocious pun!!!

Call out Ghost Rider to drive the Sky Zamboni

An old cowboy went riding on the MARC one windy day
Upon the platform he rested after disembarking the train
When all at once a mighty herd of red eye flights he saw
A-plowing through the ragged sky and up the cloudy draw

Their brands were mostly U.S. Air, who've bid (unsuccessfully) for Delta
The runways black and shiny and their contrails he could see
A bolt of regret went through him as he realized his cell phone could not take a picture of the sky
For he saw something pretty neat that he decided to blog about and he heard a mournful cry

Yippie yi Ohhhhh don't try to sing this
Yippie yi Yiii don't mean to call you old, Travis
Ghost Riders in the sky Zamboni

Naw, Dukes!

It's time for me to stop picking Duke in my final four. Apparently Bobby Hurley graduated.

Apparently a bunch of you skype

What hardware do you recommend? Email me.

Howdy!

I went jogging today. I don't have mapmyrun, but luckily a passing blimp caught the whole thing on tape.


In answer to your question, "Why, Yes! The music is by Dave Matthews."

Ghengis Dunbar = Totally Awesome

Ghenghis

Dunbar

What were the management secrets of Genghis Khan? 1. Leadership: Mongol officers were chosen based on merit, rather than class, in contrast to most armies of the Middle Ages. Even Genghis Khan's successor was voted on by his three sons; the two oldest avoided civil war by selecting their baby brother, Ogadai, whom they served loyally. The Mongols' egalitarian management and succession style, and openness to new tools and ideas, led to long-term stability for their empire, which lasted for hundreds of years. In most areas of Asia, they were never conquered but were gradually assimilated into the local populations. 2. Lean Organization: The Mongol "horde" was anything but disorganized. ... 3. Lean Technology: The transportation and weapons of the Mongols also fostered flexibility and responsiveness to changing circumstances. ... 4. Technology Transfer: The Mongols did not have a written language, and they had little specialized technology, aside from the composite bow. But they ... valued them, and would quickly assimilate the expertise -- and experts -- of the societies they conquered, particularly China. The "Not-Invented-Here" syndrome was not a concern for the Mongols. 5. Aggressive Process as a Strategic Weapon: The combination of organizational self-discipline, flexibility and aggressiveness allowed the Mongols to defeat larger armies of that era that were rigidly organized, and whose discipline was superficial. The Mongols cultivated these efficient, collaborative qualities in their horsemen from an early age by their traditional hunt on the Mongolian steppe, where they would encircle large numbers of animals and gradually herd them together for butchering, rather than chasing them down individually. ... Interestingly, historians suggest that the Mongols were not necessarily more bloodthirsty than the societies they conquered, only more ruthlessly efficient. They did treat loyal subjects fairly and, as nature-worshipping animists, did not oppress people or societies for ideological motives -- in an era where religious wars and massacres were the norm. “Management Secrets of Genghis Khan”, by Isaac Cheifetz, Minneapolis Star Tribune, January 17, 2005

Born around 975, Crinan of Dunkeld was the Thane and Seneschal of the Isles. He was the father of King Duncan I, and grandfather of Gospatric. Gospatric was given the Earldom of Northumberland in 1067 by the recently arrived William the Conqueror. In 1072 however, the Earldom was taken back from him. So Gospatric came to Scotland and was made Earl of Dunbar by King Malcolm III. The town and port of Dunbar, on the Lothian coast, has been the scene of many important events in the history of Scotland. The Dunbars were not supporters of Robert the Bruce or a Scottish crown and after the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314 they sheltered the fleeing, defeated Edward II at Dunbar Castle until he could leave Scotland by sea. It is believed that if Patrick of Dunbar had detained Edward then he would have had to recognise the Scottish crown and make peace with Bruce. Instead the two countries fought on for many more bloody years. In 1315, Dunbar and King Robert, who were cousins, settled their differences and when the English occupied the lands of Berwick in 1337, where Dunbar was governor, he renounced any allegiance to Edward III. Dunbar Castle was then attacked by the Earl of Salisbury. The castle was defended by Dunbar’s wife, Black Agnes, who exasperated Salisbury until, after nineteen weeks, he retired to England in failure. He wrote of her:- She kept a stir in tower and trench That brawling, boisterous Scottish wench. Came I early, came I late, I found Agnes at the gate. When the greedy and jealous James I ruled, the huge wealth and properties that the Dunbars had collected for over four hundred years was annexed to the crown. The 11th Earl, Sir George Dunbar of Kilconquhar, was the last. The Dunbar house had expanded by this time to include the Earlship of Moray, which they retained. In 1990 the present claim to the chiefship was settled only after a celebrated court case which was heard first before the Lord Lyon, King of Arms, then the Supreme Court of Edinburgh, then the House of Lords. © Copyright ScotClans. 2006

Do not look at this

The Moire effect

Derisions of grandeur

I am delighted that William and I independently (really!) came to the same conclusion - that is to say, the right one - each in our own style: one qualified, plodding, and pedantic; the other, fun to read.

Becks heads US invasion

Here's the link: The Sun Online - Football: Becks heads US invasion

Now the anecdote. True story. Trav, or maybe it was Eugene (anyhow) gave me a DC United t-shirt as a gift before I went to study in London. I wore it all the time, normally without comment. Once, at a "rave" (can London raves be like a Rice party... old teens standing around a half-empty dance floor ignoring the lights and music and the EANABS? They can!) a really short girl walked up to me and said, "What the hell is that?"

"It's my DC United t-shirt"

"Ok... is that like a fake team?"

"No..."

The girl went back to ignoring the people she knew.


Story #2: My comment about Team USA

I once compared them unfavorably to the reserve squad for the East LLagollen One-Legged FC. I then demonstrated how "The Hoppers" could beat the US 5-0.

Story #3 (short): The LA Kings

Didn't become great with the Great One.


What is your point?

My point is that Beckham's move will raise interest in the MLS, but that interest will all come from Europe, particularly the UK. And when I say "interest" I mean derision.

Study Break

Funny stuff.


I find the Apple guy much less smug and manage to have even MORE sympathy for PC. Really funny ad campaign but Slate is right about rooting for PC. I found that the Michael J Fox commercials made me HATE Pepsi and the Bill Cosby commercials made me ashamed of Coke.

Oddly "New Edition" did make me want to try "new Coke" which unfortunately, tasted awful.

I wish they had continued to call it "Coca Cola classic" then they could call diet coke "Coca Cola Slim fit" and they could call Coke Blak "Coca Cola Boot Cut" I would go for "Coca Cola Carpenter Jeans"

wait... how did I get talking about soda? Why do I have belt around the refrigerator? I don't really, it's just a joke. The refrigerator is much too narrow for my belts.

I am harnessing the full potential of the internet!!!!

The power to add more banality to the collective consciousness.



Step 1: Capture banality on my cell phone.
Step 2: Upload banality to YouTube.
Step 3: Share banality on my blog.
Step 4: Add irrelevant tags.

Dave's invention is for potty-mouths

Or so I infer, as the first element of the system is a "speech sewer".

will inspired me

when i left ms, i had about 6 patents filed and so you reminded me to check if any had been approved. as it turns out, while google patents finds none of them, the us patent office now lists one as being approved the week of nov 21, 2006. http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=%2Fnetahtml%2FPTO%2Fsrchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=7139713.PN.&OS=PN/7139713&RS=PN/7139713

i filed a few more at rougly the same time, so hopefully those will go thru soon. the last 3 or so were filed about 2 years later, so i guess it will be awhile on those.
-dave

Google Patents Found My Dad's Patent pretty much right away

I had to put in his middle initial "H"