Freedom and bravery

I just ordered toilet paper via the internet. Talk about a brave new world. Free shipping!

Dakota and Jason send their best

 

Jason made the ballons, Dakota came up with text. I admire her font selection.

Had to stop because a certain little boy ventured out to see Santa

So I stopped complaining about parody and looked up the Clement Clarke Moore original on my blackberry, read it to Jason and followed him back to bed. Soon he had visions of monkeys and dinosaurs dancing through his head.

Blackberry blogging on Christmas eve with cookies left out for Santa.

Which brings me to what I was going to say before: "Dude, why do you
have to parody Christmas?"

I would rather see depressed people and haters before self satisfied ironists. The irony of damning ironists is not lost on me. Iron irony.

"iRon the new shoe from Apple."

What was I saying?

Yes... I was saying Merry Christmas. Enjoy your traditions in earnest.

The problem with Christmas parody...

...is that Christmas traditions are already a bit too long already to sit
through half-thought out puns on top is excruciating. The epitome of
this travesty is any parody of "12 days of Christmas" Especially odious are ones which change the lyrics. Your funniest joke in this milieu is always "and a
cartridge for the Atari" and that joke ain't funny 12 times in a row. And though the
original song is timeless the parody that you came up with in 1981 is not.

I'm using the 2nd person again. That's because I am talking to you, NBC writers! You had a whole season to be on strike, you could have used that time to think up thinking funny.

But Christmas is a time of love. So here's the teachable moment:

What would be much better is aphoristic use of parody for Christmas traditions. For example like:

"Merry Christmas to mall and to mall a good night"

There that's adequate. No need to belabor it with a:

"twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the mall,
not a vendor was idle,
not even a stall..."

yada yada yada

Peace on Earth

Dakota: Dad, did you ever notice that you belly is like a big, fat pillow?

Dad: Yes.

Dakota: you need to go on a diet because you are too fat. But I love you
anyway.

Dad: I guess I know my new years resolution ...

"We must not let daylight in upon the magic."

Supposedly Walter Bagehot said this in reference to the British monarchy. I think he was really referring to William and Dakota's writing.

Dakota's version of Chapter 4

She had a lot of had a lot of: and then he went "AHHH!!" and then they were like "OH NO!" and then the luggage went "CRASH" and hit scarecrow on the head, and the police were like "STOP!" and the ghost was like "NO!" and then the police guy was like "I'm going crazy!!!!" and then flappy got out and they all ran away.

Which is hard to write, I did my best.

Chap 4 -- This is where Dakota and I got stuck.

Talking on a cell phone while riding in a Jeep Wrangler would seem like an exercise in futility; between the wind, the road noise, and all.  But with a good hands free device, the sound quality is surprisingly good.  Hands free device or not, talking on a cell phone while driving can be dangerous, especially if you do not notice that a scorpion has climbed in while you were gassing up.  This was the situation that Special Agent McGinnis found himself in.

"Yes, I turned off Ranch Rd 169 a while ago." He said. "No, its outside the jurisdiction of Presidio County Sheriff but DHS said that they'll send a Border Patrol agent from Marfa station to meet me at the crash site."

 

Special Agent McGinnis strained to listen to the voice at the other end of the phone, then pulled a highlighter from his from shirt pocket and removed the cap with his teeth.  He flipped through his print-out and highlighted the names he was being told.

 

"Okay, I got it." He said. "No, I didn't see the lights; there's no such thing. Ouch. Damnit, I've stuck myself.  On my ankle. No, I don't see anything. I must have a pen or a knife down there or something. Damn that hurt. Oh, hey, I see it... let me call you back."

 

The crash site was not what he expected.  He expected a flaming wreck and charred bodies in a pyre with huddled survivors cowering under a makeshift hut fashioned from soiled undershirts and ski poles.  The reality was a featureless patch of desert with a 767 incongruously parked between two dunes.  The unreality was an eerie sense of foreboding and the vision of a tan warrior with a head-dress and an obsidian knife, shimmering in the heat. McGinnis' foreboding was replaced by abject terror, with a touch of normally suppressed homoerotic titillation, as the shimmering Meso-American warrior charged headlong towards his windshield. With a spray of gravel, the Jeep veered and screeched to a halt. Feeling queasy and disoriented, McGinnis stumbled towards the uniformed border patrol agent.

 

The uniformed border patrol agent introduced himself. "Special Agent McGinnis, I'm Special Agent Gomes, and well, we're it."  

 

"What do you mean?" asked McGinnis.

 

"I mean," continues Gomes, "that you're the federal guy and I'm the local guy, even though I'm really a federal guy too, but the point is: there will be no additional first responders or more other responders of any kind.  Actually, that's not entirely true. I called to a local charter bus company. They'll come eventually, but apparently their bus is on its way back from New Braunfels; something about seniors at Schliterbaan, but after they clean up the vehicle, we can transport everyone out of here.  In the meantime, we can survey the scene and interview all the witnesses.  Here's how I think we can reconcile the differences between 6 CFR and 49 CFR for you.  First of all, our respective agencies have different but not entirely incompatiable missions..."

 

McGinnis fought back waves of nausea as he listen to Gomes synthesize the Code of Federal Regulations for two agencies into a hybrid set of standard operating protocols.  While the topic was itself excruciating, he was extremly worried about the waves of searing pain pulsing from his ankle. McGinnis did his best to fight through the agony and instead focus on the soft and hypnotic voice of the DHS agent. His seductive mustache wiggling up and down like a little fuzzy caterpillar.  McGinnis shook and coughed up some vomit.

 

"You know, at first I just tought you just some suit from Washington who was uncomfortable to be away from his desk, but now I think you might be sick," remarked Gomes as McGinnis collapsed to the ground, stripped off his left shoe and began thwacking it into the desert sand. "Oh hey... that looks like a scorpion bite. 

 

Two hours and one 50ml vial of Anascorp later, things were finally moving along with interviewing passeners and crew. After determining that there was a curious lack of need to give any first aid (other than for Special Agent McGinnis), the two federal agents separated the passengers into two groups: those who had given statements and those who had not.  The passengers were suprisingly chatty with useless information about what they were late for, how they felt about their home lives, and speculation about the odd mannerism of certain members of the crew. Gomes recorded all conversations using a microphone attachment that he happened to have for his iPod, but McGinnis wrote down the critical comments. 

 

As the day wore on and became dusk, McGinnis was starting to see a profile of a prime suspect through a confluence of similiar comments. He circled some phrases in his notepad:

 

male... blond hair... dark eyes... double-jointed in multiple places ...English? (stiff upper lip... dry sense of humor)  ...claimed to work in agriculture ...pet bat?

 

McGinnis glanced up from his pad. Someone had positioned the emergency ramp under the belly of the plane and was jumping up and down. At first it seemed comical, even more so when a flurry of luggage spilled out the bottom of the plane and nearly buried the man. Then McGinnis came to his senses and shouted, "Gomes! Stop that man."

 

"That's Special Agent Gomes," replied Special Agent Gomes, as he dashed past Agent McGinnis, and in whirling dervish of patriotic fervor, flashed his DHS Border Patrol badge with his left hand and unholstered his Advanced Taser M26 with his right while proclaimed "Stop in the name of the Department of Homeland Security and the Government of the United States of America!"

 

Then Gomes charged, leading with his extended arm towards the far away man, who was frantically digging through the pile of luggage. With a clearly practiced flourish, Gomes about 40 feet away from the man, dove forward into a somersault, and came up in the kneeling position behind a medium-size rock, getting a negligible amount of cover, Taser trained on the man the entire time. 

 

"Last warning,  Jefe." he cried. 

 

Having made such a racket, all of the passengers and flight crew of had turned their attention to the showdown underneath the plane.  The man in the luggage had just picked up a beige pet-carrier when he heard Special Agent Gomes and their eyes locked. The man in the luggage lifted, clearly startled, raised one arm in the air and held the cage aloft with the other. The rest of his body seemed to scrunch in on itself. In a shaky voice he said, "I... I am just trying to get my pet, Flappy. He might die"

 

As the dancing red dot of the laser sight from Special Agent Gomes's Taser danced on the sternum of the quivering man, the pet carrier rotated the cage slowly back and forth in the man's hand. When the front faced McGinnis, McGinnis saw through the bars of the cage, a fluttering of black wings.  Everything clicked and McGinnis accidently blurted out, "Oh my God, that's him!"

 

Taking that has his signal, Gomes squeezed the trigger.  With a pop, compressed nitrogen jettisoned two small probes towards the man's torso which, improbably, folded neatly backwards out of the way. Special Agent Gomes cursed, as the man, holding the cage the entire time,  completed his backwards round-off flip-flop. McGinnis, already agape, felt an ebony wave of blackness pass through him and then out of him. Then he saw a black mist before his eyes form into the shape of the headdressed warrior. The shape became translucent flesh and the warrior raised an obsidian axe, smashing open the cage of the pet carrier.  The flexible man in the luggage, the translucent warrier, and the bat, sprinted away from the plane and disappeared into the glare of the sunset.

30 knights at the Day's Inn.

Somehow the astoundingly pretentious vampire title "30 Days of Night" manages to keep cropping up whenever my leg is swollen in my cast. I think of this stupid title and I come up with the above parody (my version is about a Knights of Columbus party gone terribly wrong) and wish tendon ruptures on everybody in culture who has ever produced something that I find to be less the totally original and entertaining. Hey cast and writers of "Friends" I am talking about you. Especially you, David Schwimmer.

A Capital Idea

Funny man says, "Why stop at having Leno on at 10!"
"What do you mean?" asks straight man.
"Well," says funny man, "NBC should replace their whole prime-time lineup with 5 nights a week late night personalities. Let's put on Carson at 9, Jack Paar at 8, and Steve Allen at 7"
Straight man exlaims, "but they're all dead!"
"So is NBC," replies funny man.

[[laugh track here]]

Triage Technique: Get Hurt

Kerry, this one is for you. So you know how its always difficult to get an accurate medical history from a patient because they are reticent to share? I have a recommendation: Get Hurt Nothing gets people sharing their history of illness, how they got hurt, when, what procedures they took, complications, meds perscribed, allergies, family history, etc. like a cast on your foot. In a different time in my life, this sort of oversharing would bother me. Something happened to me along the road that made me fascinated by the level of gory detail that people want to share with someone who is injured. People who never really liked me are suddenly far more comfortable to open up with these incredibly personal stories. And the people who do like you, do nice things for you and try to cheer you up. I noticed it today at work, but it was also in the airport and at the dr's last week and in general. That said, I am bushed from all the limping and hopping

The Associated Press: Goldman's family: Simpson prison time is `karma'

The Associated Press: Goldman's family: Simpson prison time is `karma'

Re my previous post: no it's not. You are misunderstanding Karma, Goldman family. What you meant to say was: "Schenfreude!"

The Hoppers Remembers the Statute of Frauds

 Remember when I said that TEAM USA soccer could be beaten by the Llagolen one-legged team? Well... karma baby. Freakin kharma.

I love how people have abused the idea of Kharma. For the record Kharma is not an O'Henry-like ironic plot twist, it's a Hindu and Buddhist concept dealing with the spiritual burdens that one must shed through a cycle of re-incarnation and progressively less kharma in order to attain Nirvana. But we don't care to investigate these ideas because... SHH! no talking "Friends" is on.... I think "Ross" is getting stressed out about something. He's so neurotic. Ha ha ha. Pass the Starbucks.

By "people" in the above paragraph, I mean "NBC." Darn that NBC.

Any how, the statute of frauds was enacted before the time of widespread literacy and it had a number of functions. Although the ostensible purpose was a rule of evidence to stop people "swearing they had an oral contract."  Anyhow, you must write it down if its a contract for

Marriage
Year or longer for the contract to execute, by its own terms

Land (Real estate transaction)
Executors something or other. I don't actually understand this rule
Goods above some dollar amount, varies by jurisdiction.
Surety- This is a promise to pay someone else's debt. Sometimes these take the form of bonds, sometimes these look more like insurance.

Look! I broke my leg!

Name alert? Call super personnel

Name alert? Call super personnel person! Disambiguating Michaels from Michelles and Dipetrillios for DiPetrelleous

Mental note: Patent nos 2,613,794-5

Mental note: Patent nos 2,613,794-5

Next chapters not ready

I know the Nanowrimo people said "Don't edit" but their site is always busy, so they can bite me.

In the mean time, here is something funny provided by Jenny and Jill Salomon having to do with Spiders (See Spider is a character in the story? It's unclear to me whether Dakota just means that to be the character's name or if the character is actually a spider and nobody notices because the world is cartoony and if nobody notices that Scooby Doo is a talking great dane with a speach impediment, then anything is possible)

Eulogy for a Monarch

 

I found this poor soul near my doorstep, no doubt bewildered by the sudden frost after days of balmy warmth. Such is life, and alas death, in Houston. As I inspect the last grimace of this noble Monarch, I wonder if there were any regrets. Will anyone mourn for the tsunamis that were not caused in Japan?

I will.

At the risk of seeming like Titus Andronicus or Michael Scott, the tragedy of a life so short cut shorter while seemingly looking to me for shelter does give me pause. Have I failed in some unknown responsibility? Is this a portent? Or call to a greater purpose? Or is this just one of those things that I am supposed to just shrug off unaffected?

As I wonder this, I am reminded to get my kids their flu shot.

In the car with Dakota after getting the mail

Me: Do you know what this is? Its my bar result!

Her: Oh yeah... Well do you know what that is? Its a streetlight!

Chapters 1 and 2 revised

I filled in some of the missing bits and fixed a continuity error.

Chap 3

Scarecrow is dizzy. Dizzy from falling. Falling from a great height; about 31,000 feet.

So the first thing you should know about crash landings is that they are no fun. It is not like a roller coaster. It's more like a dinosaur attack, and you are a baby. And you've pooped yourself. And there is no mommy or daddy. Because the dinosaur ate them.  Anyhow, that's how Scarecrow felt.

The next thing you should know is that when the oxygen masks fall, you are too scared gripping the seat to get them. It just dangles there in front of you, occassionaly smacking you in the face.

Also, you say things which are surprising.  For example, a laconic fellow in Seat 22B, turned to his wife of 30 years in Seat 22A and finally said, "Why don't you just shut the hell up?" For his part, Scarecrow never could have imagined that faced with impending death he would scream out all of the names of vegetables that he could think of.

"SQUASH! TOMATO! CARROT! RUTABEGA!"

But then, the plane lands.  Scarecrow had never been in an emergency airplane landing before, so he didn't know what to expect. He was expecting flaming wreckage and screaming and skidding and bodies flying all over the cabin and the drink cart overturned. But none of those things happened.  Only a big bump, like a bad landing on a good runway. But he imagined that this was probably a good landing on a bad runway.

So first things first. He needed to get the heck out there. He wondered if the local fire department would come with a jetway staircase. Or maybe donuts. All this screaming and wimpering made him hungry. But to his surprise, the fire department never came and there were no donuts and overall, the flight crew was not that focused on the hurrying up part. Instead, they kept repeating something about "orderly fashion" and "please remain calm."

But to remain calm, one had to be calm in the first place. This was not him. Fortunately, he was in good company. Plenty of other passengers were of a like mind in that they were a motivated group of people who were quite adamament to make their point that they wanted outs now; vociferous adamance triumphing over decorous solemnity. Less fortunately, most of those people were better than him at the pushing and the shoving with elbows and the biting. Soon he found that his wish to get out of the plane in the worst way possible was going to happen in three two one and tumbling head first down a big yellow slide into a pile of angry passengers below who had also been pushed out.

But after first things first, comes second things second. Scarecrow imagined that Flappy was in really bad shape and needed to be rescued from the baggage compartment.

Actually, Flappy was not in bad shape. He didn't even realize that anything happened. In fact he was sleeping. I just wanted to mention this, in case you were getting worried.

So, getting luggage off of an airplane is no problem: for a skilled airplane crew working efficently with the right equipment, the nearest of which was about 200 to 300 miles away. Freaked out passengers standing around with flight crew and local police arriving to the scene, however, are less adept at handling baggage. Scarecrow was dismayed that, "Hey! My bat is trapped in baggage" did not inspire the level of urgency and proactivity that he desired. Instead he got a bunch of "accounting for all the passengers first" and "you don't look like a baseball player."

"Idiots!" He thought.

It soon became apparent to Scarecrow, however, that there was a bigger problem. Apparently the flight crew had been so orderly in bringing the plane down that they had managed not only to land in a dry desolate patch of south Texas dessert, but also, the National Transportation Safety Board had been alerted. And the NTSB, with all due expediency, had dispatched an investigator, who was to be shortly arriving, and would immediately start identifying survivors.

This was a bad development. This would mean explanations. Explanations and alibis. And scrutiny of his passport. And being taken into custody. And interogation. This would not do. This would not do at all.

Despite his reputation for being bristly, Scarecrow had a soft spot for the Flapster. As such, he was ashamed to think that he was about to abandon a friend. So he decided that he wouldn't think of it as abandonment, just a tactical retreat. Before getting Flappy, he'd have to slip away.

Second things would have to be third.

Chap 2

Kitty, Jack, and Spider were watching the arrivals monitors.

"I told you the flight would be delayed." said Kitty.

Spider scurried about and finally said, "I am getting thirsty. We need coffee. That's right. Coffee will be just what we need now. You want cream and sugar, Kitty? Cream and sugar, right? That's what I thought. Good, Kitty. And Jack.... double espresso right? No? No. Ok... I'll surprise you. You'll love it."

And with that he was off. The obvious choice was to go to the Starbucks kiosk, but the line seemed to stream around the beige and green wonderland; all the way back to the Parking Garage entrance. Anyhow, Spider's choices were never the obvious ones.

"Oh serendipitous me!" He thought as he drifted south westerly towards to the "Dick Clark's American Band Stand Grill"  Besides the ersatz Americana decor, they had a wicked selection of refreshments that were far more interesting.

"Table for one?" Asked the hostess.

"Well... Connie," replied Spider, reading her name tag. "I was hoping for some drinks to go. I'll have a double espresso add a shot of Kaluha, a 'Mrs. Clark's Old Fashion Root Beer Float' with a double shot of Kalua a fogato style, and an American Dream 'Apple Pie' ... substitute Kalua for the Bailey's"

The hostess looked up from her pad, "I'm sorry, sir. For starters, I'm somehow doubt that you are going to show me a real ID if I asked for one, but in any case I can't let you get alcoholic drinks to go."

"Sure you can," said Spider, unfazed. "But just for a minute let's say you couldn't; what would you say to a song?"

"What?"

"Forget about the drinks, I've always had great admiration for American Bandstand. Remember the theme song:

    On the road for forty days,
    Last night in little rock put me in a haze.
    Sweet, sweet Connie -- doin her act..."

"Um, Sir, that's not American Bandstand, that's Grand Funk Railroad, and if you are not going to order..."

"Wait, wait, wait... we got started off on the wrong foot.  I can see that now, and I'm sorry. You know, its funny, these places.  Just because I'm the customer and you're the hosting professional, I think its all about me me me. But obviously you are a woman of class and virtue.  What am I doing? Just blathering on, that's what. I should listen.  Do any of your customers ever offer you anything? Offer to listen? Really... listen? Tell me you dreams, Connie; your hopes; your aspirations. Did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes? It's true, you know."

"You can't be serious, kid."

"I'm as serious as heart attack, dollface."

Something about Spider's absurdly earnest tone gave the hostess pause. Two divorces and a stint as a "lobbyist's aide" had prepared Connie for many things in life, but a gangly teen, young enough to be her son, calling her "dollface" was new and amusing.

"Why don't you sit down and stay a while, kid." Said Connie, absent mindedly pouring herself a shot of Kaluha, "I can tell you about my dashed hopes and broken dreams, if you want. I can tell you things that will break your heart and make you cry..."

* * * * * * * * *

 

"Great. Just great!" Kitty growled. "You could have said something."

Jack's eyes were fixed on the monitor. His countenance frozen in a half-grimace, half squint. Jack's face was lit by the eerie glow of the HD screens, which in turn seemed a touch more sinister, even sepulchral, by reflecting Jack's visage. A diameter of about 2 yards formed around Jack as the other airport travelers (whether consciously or not) simply chose not to stand near him. There were other flights which were late, but one by one all the flight status lines on the monitor changed first to "On Time", followed by a curt "Arrived", and then cleared off; as if they too wanted to avoid Jack's scrutiny.

Kitty tried to burn a hole into the back of Jack's round orange head with her laser stare. She scratched an imaginary piece of lint off her black Adidas "Super Girl" track jacket, peevishly inspected her perfectly manicured nails, then she returned to the important task of burning a hole in the back of her funny round-headed brother. It was bad enough that she had to rely on big stupid Jack to drive her around, but why did he have to be such a freak? If only Flappy were here, then they could just go, and people wouldn't keep, doing... doing that thing they do when Jack was around.

Places she would rather be:

    number 1: her bed

    number 2: a dark ritual with a coven of witches

    number 3:Bayonne, New Jersey

    number 4: the stanky pits of hell. Oh wait, that's number 3. Okay, how about... anywhere.

Finally she could stand it no longer. "Well?" She exploded.

Jack turned around and melted her glower with his dark unearthly orbs. With a spindly finger, he pointed at the monitor. The excitedly blinking "DELAYED" changed to a sedate but more menacing "See airline representative for more information"

Spider returned carrying a bevy of drinks. He blurted out, "that's a whole lot of text for such a small space."

Kitty's worst fears suddenly gripped her. She forgot all about how mad she was at Jack for being such a weirdo. She forgot how annoying Spider was (for almost three whole seconds). She could only think about Flappy. She never should have let him go for the whole summer; or at all, for that matter. Kittty took the drink out of Spider's hand and chugged it. The coffee burned the roof of her mouth, but it didn't matter. The pain was bracing, but soon her mouth felt numb and wave of warmth rushed through her body. She was ready to be back in control of herself again; poised. Spider looked at her, clearly impressed.

"Ok," she said. "Let's go find that airline rep."

A word of explanation about Chap 1

The NaNoWriMo web site is more of less always busy. I think the idea of writing 50K words of dreck in a month is pretty goofy, but the twist on why I am doing it is that Dakota is supplying the ideas. She and I have done this at least two times in the past, and she has lots of good ideas.

Chap 1

The first thing that happens is traveling.

Scarecrow, a ghost, and a bat are traveling back to their hometown in Scarsrivers, Arizona. It's not what you think, the Scarecrow was using his frequent flyer miles to fly busines class to Sky Harbor, where he was going to get picked up by friends. The nice thing about traveling with a ghost is that you don't have to get him a seat. And the bat was check-in luggage; natch.

The bat got bored hanging around in the baggage compartment. After playing his his video games for a while, and reading all of his "Batman" comics, he decided to write a letter.

 

Dear Cousin Batz,

I had fun hanging around with you over the summer, but its now October and I've got to fly home. My friend are waiting for me to lead their Halloween plans. It going to be a great party. I am so sorry that you could not come with me. Maybe next year, your Mom will let you go.

I am flipping through my summer scrapbook. We certainly had some good times. I appreciate that you invited me and my friends for all the adventure. I didn't realize your cave was also an undiscovered archeological wonder. I sure hope that Bob Xuma finds whatever he is looking for.

Sincerely,

Flappy

 

"I wonder how Bob is handling his first airplane trip," thought Flappy.

 

The airline stewart felt a strange urge to bury an obsedian hatchet in the skull of the small, noisy children and to dismember their big parents in their silly t-shirts and graceless Northeastern accents. He eyed the exact spot where he could grab the dad by the wrist and twist to have him on the ground with tears of pain streaming from his eyes. The stench of the man's "Old Spice" emboldened him to want to plant a foot in his chest and stomp.  This feeling was very uncharacteristic for the stewart and he felt both embarassed and confused. In 12 years of working for the airline, he prided himself on having a very thick skin and not being rattled by, or judgemental of his passengers. Now, however, the adreneline had his heels bouncing like he was doing the pee pee dance. This was no good. Maybe he could repair to the galley for a drink to steady his nerves. Yes. A drink would be quite good. He thought of the nights in the arena when he would clam his nerves before a match with a flagon of cocoa mixed with the glands of a fatted fowl, and the delicious taste of the nectars of the gods after he had decapitated the last of his enemies on the fields of glory.

 

Bob Xuma was starting to overexcite his host and so he moved on to a sleeping passenger, who grunted restlessly. Bob was sorry to have riled the priest-accolyte of this flying temple bird, but the unnatural magic which propelled all of the congregants through the palace of the sun was really freaking him out.

 

"Would you like something to drink?" asked female flight attendant.

 

"No thanks," replied the Scarecrow. "I will, however, take some more straws..."

Hooray for voting! I wrote

Hooray for voting! I wrote in a vote for myself for Sheriff. Now I will go buy my supporter an ice cream

Whoops. Went to wrong district

Whoops. Went to wrong district

Last day of early voting

Last day of early voting and the line is around the block! Must be 100 people waiting. Line is moving fast, however. Go Democracy!

Navigate the Yellow Submarine on the WII

Harmonix has announced it colloboration project with the Beatles.

Players will have to remove the "G" from "Glove" to get "LOVE" at which point they must run up a set psychedelically expanding zapf chancery text staircase and shoot rainbows from their hearts in order to defeat the Blue Meanies and free Pepperland. In multiplayer mode, bonus points will be award if the players can synchronize their efforts to sail the ship, chop the tree, skip the rope, and look at me.

Japan unveils maid robot

So I saw this video of a clanky humanform robot stuffing shirts into a washer

First off: How stupid. Robots don't need to be human form. What you need is a washing machine that roams your house seeking dirty clothes and sucking it into its thorax then plopping down next to a water source and air vent, then doing its business. Our even better, remember houses in the 70's that had hampers built into the upstairs bathroom that dumped out into the laundry room on the floor below? What if the whole house had a series of room automations that sucked stuff into the proper bin? But I digress

The main point of my post: STOP FOOLING AROUND! We don't want to see maids and dancing robots. Confirm our worst fears. Put autocanons on their spindly bodies and have them stupidly shout "Rodger Rodger" or make them look like Arnold Schwarzenegger or make them out of cars that transform. If there is a science fiction armed conflict betweeen vampires, zombies, robots and wiccans... I want to see the players come to the field!

After thought: I like that the robot has a big platform in the back. I can imagine Jason standing on it shrieking "Robot Go! Robot, Go!"

McCain or Obama Tax Calculator Applet

Because doing a tax return is so fun, now you can do a hypothetical tax return three times with:

Who's easier on your pocketbook -- McCain or Obama?

So I admit that I tried and and amazingly Obama and McCain's plan have NO EFFECT ON ME AT ALL. Not only are my taxes exactly the same under each plan (although oddly for different reasons), they are also the same as my current taxes. To which I can only say:

Gee whiz!




Actually, no... I can do better than that. People (real and imagined) are very critcal of me when I do a "Calvin's Dad" that is, answering Dakota's question with an absurd falsehood done deadpan. I get everything from "How dare you lie to your children" to "Do you think its funny to have your children get mocked when they repeat your lucrious statements?" [In 2nd grade, I mocked plenty of people who repeated the ludicrust statement of their patent, and believe me: it was only funny to me.] But the fact is, all of that is, like many cultural issues, total nonsense. Here is an example of why:

Dakota: Dad what does AM stand for? Does the M in AM and PM stand for the same thing?

So I go into this long explanation of the concept of Merediem and how it means both the middle of the day and the position of the sun in the middle of the sky and how its latin and how "Ante" and "Post" are also latin, and I've lost her.

Dad: Dakota, I'm sorry. Look, "AM" stands for "Awesome Morning" and "PM" stands for "Party 'til Midnite" because you should wake up everyday and have an awesome morning, then after lunch you have 12 hours to Par-tay.

Dakota: That's great! Thanks, Dad.


Have an Awesome Morning, y'all.

My Dell Monitor is freakin awesome

So my monitor started getting blurry. It's about 3 years old so, I figured "Well, life cycle baby." But I decided to go through the motions of using the manual adjustments. One of the menu's was "Auto Adjust" so I tried it. And zzzzzzURP! Back into focus.

Freakin awesome!

Watching "Hellboy"

So my question about secret underground gov't labs: Who does facilities management and custodial services?

Blogging on the bus

I saw a "Members Only" jacket today (oh boy). It was a homely man who missed 1980. .. .

Neopseudoincentivizationismiteitis

Ktru and crazy craziness saves the hrim grimness known as "public radio pledge drive" during drivetime.

The End of Music

Guns and Roses finally releases Chinese Democracy Nov. 23.

New Guns N' Roses - NEWS

New acdc album: why?

New acdc album: why?

Powell speaks out against bigotry

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/powell-endorses-obama/

Around minute six of the above is a really effective use of the ancedote as a rhetorical advice. What's effective about it:

1. There is just enough detail. It's clear from the beginning what point he is making but every detail he adds ups the ante and the details are in the right order to produce drama.

2. It's not a hypothetical. This is where Joe Biden's "kitchen table conversation" ancedote totally fails.

3. It's not going to be disputed. Or at least, I would be very surprised. Somebody has set out to prove that Joe the Plumber isn't really a plumber. People did the same thing to Al Gore's anecdotes, at least one of which was embelished to the point to call it a fib.

* Frankly speaking, I could take or leave the endorsement. "I voted for this guy and you should too" seems like a really dumb thing that happens in politics.

Instead, I am impressed that Powell has taken on the "Obama is so a Christian" smear with, "So what, why is this a smear? It only matters if you are a bigot, which I am calling you out for being." Its rather embarassing that it has taken two years for someone of real signifance to step up and say this. I think its more effective that the message comes from someone who is (at least nominally) a Republican as a rebuke to his own party. Additionally, I feel it restores some credibility to Powell.

That said, I regret that Pres. Bush didn't deliver this "ix-nay on the uslim-may" message. I say this without irony. HIstory will probably judge Bush very harshly, but I hope that historians will take note of the fact that Bush crossed ethnic, party, and other lines in his executive appointments. Morever, he did it without being ostentious about "diversity." Rather, Bush gave the (probably accurate) impression that those issues simply didn't factor into his thinking at all, which is how it should be.

Piece of Furniture wins debate: Maybe re-Bob quit too soon

Okay here's the link:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2008/10/14/DI2008101401597.html

And here's the quote:

Durham, N.C.: This feels like the first debate where the moderator has been able to move the candidates to engage beyond talking points. Do you agree? Do you think it was Schieffer's moderation, the format, McCain throwing caution to the wind in face of bad polls, or some other factor?

Robert G. Kaiser: Shieffer deserves some of the credit, the table does too. And maybe we should credit the candidates as well. It was the best of the three debates, I thought.

(Emphasis mine)

Oh yes! Let's not forget the importance of good interior decoration and the role it plays in world politics. Where would we be without the President's cabinet. And when Truman says "the buck stops here" he meant here on his desk in the oval office, which I hear has excellent Feng Shui.

But what I really want to know is: Did McCain discredit Obama's mulitpositional sofa Cham(ois)? Does McCain willingness to go throw pillows help or hurt his campaign? And really, isn't the most pressing issue in the world today, not the economy, not climate change but nuclear dis-armoire-ment.

Please.

Obama gives a shout out

Obama gives a shout out to fixing messed up IT in the medical care business. I should point out that this is A Newt Gingrich idea circa 2002 (aka the New Newt)

When you badly hum a

When you badly hum a hymn, its a hmmm

Childrens Television and Farenheit 451

Oh! Hello there. Do you remember watching the movie "Farenheit 451"? Like
many movies based on books, they added some stuff not in the book to make
up for the stuff in the book that doesn't make it to screen because its
cerebral not audiovisual. In this case they added the television show
where the audience is supposed to participate:

"We are having a party, who should we invite?"

"What should we eat?"

"What decorations should we have. "

"You are just fantastic!"

Except that the director and cinematographer made this about as sinister as
possible.

Welll.... I hate the way childrens television programs do that too.

NY Times is also horrified

Or maybe they read my blog.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/04/opinion/04sat1.html?hp

Star Wars: the clone wars

Star Wars: the clone wars is fantastic! Seriously.

IPhone interface's fundamental flaw

Its not controllable with one hand. The brilliance of the ipod design is :
have thumb have fun

Iphone uses a mousepad alternative design that would be ideal for a tablet
or table pc

That said. Its too bad more people can't do morse code. If they taught it
in elementary school then think how easy it would be to design phones

Palin v the Constitution

IFILL: Governor, you mentioned a moment ago the constitution might give the vice president more power than it has in the past. Do you believe as Vice President Cheney does, that the Executive Branch does not hold complete sway over the office of the vice presidency, that it it is also a member of the Legislative Branch?

PALIN: Well, our founding fathers were very wise there in allowing through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And we will do what is best for the American people in tapping into that position and ushering in an agenda that is supportive and cooperative with the president's agenda in that position. Yeah, so I do agree with him that we have a lot of flexibility in there, and we'll do what we have to do to administer very appropriately the plans that are needed for this nation.



================================================

Article I, sect 3:

The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.

The Senate shall choose their other officers, and also a President pro tempore, in the absence of the Vice President, or when he shall exercise the office of President of the United States.


Article II, sect 1:

The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and, together with the Vice President,

Article II, sect 4
The President, Vice President and all civil officers of the United States

=========================================================================

Analysis:

Great Antonin Scalia! The vice president is vested with executive power and is removable through Article II. Article I describes an executive duty of the vice president to be a check/balance by the executive branch over the legislative branch.

There is no "flexibility"

As for the intent of the founding fathers, it was to prevent exactly the sort of abuse of power that Cheney has posited and that Palin says she agrees with.

"the great security against a gradual concentration of the several powers in the same department, consists in giving to those who administer each department the necessary constitutional means and personal motives to resist encroachments of the others. The provision for defense must in this, as in all other cases, be made commensurate to the danger of attack. Ambition must be made to counteract ambition. The interest of the man must be connected with the constitutional rights of the place. It may be a reflection on human nature, that such devices should be necessary to control the abuses of government. But what is government itself, but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself. A dependence on the people is, no doubt, the primary control on the government; but experience has taught mankind the necessity of auxiliary precautions."

Federalist paper #51

=====================================================================

While I am not a strict textualist (as seen by reaching for the Federalist papers), Cheney/Palin's position seems unconstitutional.

It worries me that the Constitution hasn't been an election issue either in the general election or the primaries. Biden takes a stab at it in his reply, but even fresh out of law school, I found his position to be nearly indecipherable.

Why don't the candidates trumpet that they revere the Constitution, the highest law of our nation, and the only thing that keeps us between the scylla and caribdis of tyranny and anarchy? When the discussion turns to values, the only ones which should matter in public life are "to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity." When the pundits argue over whether the candidates are qualified, the only qualification necessary is abiding by the oath to uphold the constituion.

Tonight's debate put into stark contrast the choice and the stakes, not just in this year's election, but in the years and months ahead. For the United States to be, the Constitution matters above all.

Why the **** people can root for the Mets

Today's reason: Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

OK, it was really September 25th's reason. Sue me.

Welcome back Intrepid

My favorite boat.

I've noticed that many of my "the link is in the title" posts, don't show the blue link color in the title. Stoopid blogger.

I wish I was better at doing this

Watch here, as Craig Ferguson tells a really lousy joke that he doesn't even get, then gets meta. The first time I saw this comedy technique done really well is when "Late Night with David Letterman" had one of Bruce Hornsby's band sit in with Paul and Dave says, "Yes, we have one of Bruce Hornsby's Rangers, I guess that makes him.. oh never mind."

I think I was 14 (up late) and I still think its funny now, 20 years later.

That said, Craigers has great googley moogely eyes, which helps.

The Sun Sets

It was only pretty good. But its too bad this credit crunch thing killed it.

Congratulations Falcon 1

The first successful launch of a privately owned orbiting vehicle was completed this morning in California. Reactions


1. You know, last weekend I re-watched "The man that fell to Earth" and had a very different reaction. Bowie spent way too much time messing around and not enough time clearing regulatory hurdles. That's because he hired an IP lawyer but not an administrative law attorney. What a shame.
2. Take that, Shenzhou 7!
3. I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky. And they're not gonna hold me down no more. I'm not gonna change my mind. 'Cause I got faith, of the heart; I'm going where my heart will take me. I'v got faith to believe, I can do anything. I've Scott Bakula. He is a really great actor. But I'll waste (I'll waste) has talents because I'm Paramount. But I digress.
4. Big deal, private space program. It's not exactly... how wait, it is.
5. I'm still sad that they didn't get Scotty's ashes into orbit on their last go around

Agreement as a debating tactic

One more thing. For some reason the McCain people think its funny that Obama agreed with him. Here is what Obama said:

“I think Senator McCain’s absolutely right that we need more responsibility…”

“Senator McCain is absolutely right that the earmarks process has been abused…”

“He’s also right that oftentimes lobbyists and special interests are the ones that are introducing these…requests…”

“John mentioned the fact that business taxes on paper are high in this country, and he’s absolutely right…”

“John is right we have to make cuts…”

“Senator McCain is absolutely right that the violence has been reduced as a consequence of the extraordinary sacrifice of our troops and our military families…”

“John — you’re absolutely right that presidents have to be prudent in what they say…”

“Senator McCain is absolutely right, we cannot tolerate a nuclear Iran…”

Which of those assertions should Obama have disagreed with? None. Even where McCain was basically imprecise (the business tax one for example) why form your statement like this: "McCain is wrong when he says the sun goes down at the end of the day, what's actually happening is the Earth is rotating." Nobody likes that guy.

McCain lost lots of credibility with his "what Se. Obama doesn't understand..." followed by a bunch of stuff that Obama clearly does understand, even if McCain understands it better. And as I said, since I disagree with some of McCain's basic conclusion (might always makes right) I wonder what McCain is doing with all that supposed understanding.

What brought me back to this point is that

1. McCain seems to be making a campaign commercial about how Obama agreed with statements of the perfectly obvious. As in "Vote for me, John McCain, master of the nearly obvious"

2. My grandfather used to say (according to my mom) that agreeing with someone is a good way to take away their best arguments.

We'll see.

Looks like CNN stopped watching when I did

Here's a transcript:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/26/debate.mississippi.transcript/

Maybe it'll be caught up later.

Live blogging Blue's Clues instead of the debate 2

I get it... Steve is some sort of reporter

His handy dandy... notebook. Is both a reporter's notebook and a clue notebook. Jim Leherer is sitting in his thinking chair right now.

McCain is totally crazy with his whole, "the Media is biased" shtick. He should read John Ellis.

Well.. it looks like Blue want's to be some sort of Doctor.

Live blogging Blue's Clues instead of the debate 1

Steve is going to play Blue's clues to discover what Blue wants to be when he grows up.

The first clue is a stick. Teddy Roosevelt said "Speak softly and carry a big stick" and he's McCain's hero. Too bad Teddy Roosevelt was totally whack.

You know what I'd rather see? A first lady debate.

Live blogging the debate 6

Mccain understands details of foreign policy better... but he"s reckless and aggresive. Sometimes fighting is necessary. But President mccain will always fight. At some point you become Bart Simpson "Good ol' rock. Nuthin' beats that!"

Obama"s heart is in the right place but he gives the exact impression of having no clue. Obama blew it on the bracelet throw down. And his "Henry Kissinger told me to sit down with Iran" business is totally insane.

I just let the kids turn on "Blue's Clues"

Live blogging the debate 5

Who won the Iraq war? Gen David Patreus? No. It was Maj Rory Quinn, USMC. He's come a long was from being comissioner of our Rotissierie baseball league

Live blogging the debate 4

Jason just came in with a light saber. He gets my vote

Live blogging the debate 3

I love mccain throwing ethanol under the bus and boeing. Take that iowa and washington for going blue!

Live blogging the debate 2

Honestly neither candidate is that awesome. That said I love the obama shout out to develop broadband and electrical grid

Live blogging the debate 1

Live blogging the debate: the reaction meter is awesome. I love people telling me what to think

ReBob suspending his campaign

Now is a time for action, because of fears that tourism industry counts cost of a cold summer, ReBob will be suspending his presidential campaign in the hopes that someone will notice him as something other than a crumbling, unstable, monument laced with iron-y. It is expected that after others have done the hard work of creating something new and useful, ReBob will try to elbow his way into the process in order to grand-stand, take credit, and declare victory by fiat.

The tax law Koan (recited on the occasion of the bailout hearings)

Shepard told his students, "The opposite of allowed is not allowed, not disallowed. When you understand that, you understand much about tax law"

Bill, a student, declared, "Just to avoid misunderstanding what you just said, I should just say that I do not understand"

Shepard shouted, "Bill! You can always be counted on to give the wrong answer!"

At that, Bill was enlightened

BILL'S COMMENT:

1. Just because an answer was wrong does not mean that an answer was not right.
2. Shepard's classes were taught on Sunday evening. There were no classes taught on Sunday evening. This does not mean that Shepard had to unteach us tax law, although he did.


DODGE'S COMMENT [Chapter 12.C]:


...the freeing-of-assets rationale... is no longer widely viewed as the basis for realization of debt-discharge income within the meaning of section 61(a)(12). Rather, the rationale today is premised on the fact that the prior receipt was excluded soley because of the debtor's obligation to repay. When the obligation to repay is extinguished, the justification for excluding the prior receipt disappears, triggering an inclusion...This leads us to the Zarin case...involving gambling debts... "What did Zarin receive in the year in which he became indebted to Resorts?" Zarin is a true conceptual puzzle characterized by some commentators as a case without a right answer... As a foundation for understanding the tax issues in Zarin, you should be aware that section 165(d) disallows deduction of aggregate gamblimg losses for the year in excess of aggregate gambling gains for the year, even if the taxpayer is a professional gambler."


MY COMMENT:

When the casino bails out the gambler so that he doesn't have to pay for the chips that he paid for with a marker, did he even make a bet? The cocktail waitress certainly thought so and does did the Treasury.

When the Treasury bails out the gambler so that he doesn't have to pay for the debts that he bought with borrowed money, did he ever really invest in anything? What an absurd question!

Remember the George M Koan:

I'm
a Yankee doodle dan
dee
a Yan
kee doodle
do
or
die
a real live nephew of my uncle sam
born on the fourth of july
I've got a yankee doodle sweet
heart
she is my yankee doodle girl
a
yankee doodle went to london just to ride the ponies
I am that yankee doodle boy!

New Browser: PUNCHY

Ok, Trav, here's the logo for my pre-alpha non-release version. My browser is designed for people who want to surf the web while driving. The interface seems to work like this:
* think about where on the internet you'd rather be.
* listen to AM radio
* text message your friends while eating a hamburger and downshifting
I admit that this browser is mostly vaporware and even so, it crashes a lot. But that makes it just like Google Chrome.

Signs that I am re-aclimitizing to NY

I start wondering, "How the **** can people root for the Mets?"

Oh Yankees, 6.5 out of the wildcard. At least you are not the Mets

When the guacamole is gone,

When the guacamole is gone, potato salad will do

My phonetic alphabet

Army
Baby
Crybaby
Donkey
Elephant
Frame
Garble
Honest
Inquiry
Jose
Knowledge
Llangollen
Nosey
Mosey
Oh like the letter O, not Zero, OK? But just the "O" part, not the K. No K. O.... O. O. O. But only one of them. O's I mean.
Posey
Qatar
Rabies
Same
Towage
Unctious
Verity
Xerox
Zeno


Digits

1 = Wu
2 = Wu Wu
3 = Wee
4 = Owage
5 = Eye
6 = Ummmmmm
7 = Eleven
8 = Ocho
9 = Ten minus one
0 = Oh

So we are finally getting rain here

But it doesn't look like my car will be clean. Shoot

[Double Feature] Gettin Psyched for Hurricane Ike / The '08 Election

THIS IS TWO POSTS IN ONE!

FIRST POST


Check it out: http://www.khou.com/perl/common/slideshow/sspop.pl?recid=12075&section=news

It's a simulation, see? Galveston will be totally underwater!

I was going to post another of the KHOU slide shows as humorous juxtaposition, but I decided it was in bad taste.

Anyhow, Harris County Officials told most people to hunker down, and we are further inland than Harris County, so we are hunkered down. Texan's take hunkering down on their homestead very seriously.

For example, here is a conversation that I had at the Kroeger yesterday (only slight artistic license taken).

INT. Grocery Store
ME staring in bemusement at the empty shelves of Dinty Moore.

SOME GUY [loudly to no one in particular]

I really hope there is a big event to justify stores being out of everything, I couldn't even get more bullets at Academy Sports.

ME

Oh my God! What kind of Texans have we become to be out of bullets? Everyone should always have enough ammo to defend their house from, at minimum, an uprising of an army of the undead!

BYSTANDER snickers.
SOME GUY

Well... no, I mean, I have plenty of ammo, but I just want to be sure. Like if I need to have my little brother reload the other gun while I'm emptying a clip and then toss it to me.

ME

Listen, if you are really worried about conserving rounds, don't fire any warning shots.

SOME GUY

Oh no, there won't be no warning shots. But I've only got about a dozen boxes for my .45, you never know what could happen

ME

Hey! One bullet one kill!

SOME GUY

You're right... Maybe I should get some more beer.

ME

Now you're talking sense, stay dry.


SECOND POST



Palindromes, get it?

Freedom for Freedom

http://helpandy.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/back-on-us-soil/

Couldn't resist the post title after I saw the picture. For some of us, the last 20 years have been a process of getting fatter and older looking. Andy still looks great, which is something, especially under the circumstance.

Anyhow, thanks to everyone who wrote their congressperson.

Help Filmmaker Andrew Berends

http://helpandy.wordpress.com/

Andy Berends went to my high school. Although I am from the New York area, the high school was only about 300 students. Although he was fairly reserved and only had a few close friends, everyone new who Andy Berends was.

Over one summer, he went on an exchange program. It seemed to have changed his life. He came back with long hair and wild libertarian ideas. He was derisively nicknamed "Freedom" but he owned that name and took it as a badge of honor.

Although Andy's was well known to be extremely kind, although with a bit of taciturn dry wit, so as to avoid being too "Hardy Boys." I should also say that his family are extremely nice people.

Anyhow, if you are reading this: this is a serious call for help. My former classmate could be in serious trouble.

Please consider writing your U.S. Representative and/or U.S. Senators and ask that they advocate for his immediate release.

Google Chrome Comic Book

Blah blah blah new google browser blah blah blah what does it mean blah blah blah future is here blah blah...

The thing that really interests me is the comic book about Google Chome. Did anyone else notice how much it looks like "Love and Rockets"? (The comic book series, not the band, stay focused)

Well... um ... that's all I have to say about that.

Summer Villians

Trav's latest post made me think about something I have been meaning to post about: things about summer that I am supposed to like, but don't. Simultaneously, I have been thinking about posting about comic book super-villians for a new era. So in the interest of both having my cake and also having a food fight:

The Pool. I can't swim. It's humilating but true. I sink like a rock. It's not for a lack of trying to learn either. This is not to be cornfused with a water park, which is awesome.	The Sudokoan. In the tradition of "The Riddler" and "The Puzzler" and "Toyman" and "Nasty Canasta" comes a foe wielding an evil combination of Sudoko and Zen Kohan-based villanous conundrums
Picnics. Except for church picnics, which are civilized affairs with watermelon and all the mayonaise salads (egg, potato, chicken, tuna), I hate siting on some bench that hurts my back and the checkered blanket thing is even worse, clean up is always a problem and the sandwiches are always soggy.	Hackney Cliche aka The Archnemesis once a friend to the superhero, but twisted by a corrupt heart, the archnemesis manages to overcome the superhero time after time, only to have the superhero slip away from the Archnemsis' deadly clutches moments before his nefarious plan is complete, but the Archnemesis always manages to get away at the last minute in his escape vehicle and shouts something like "Curse you, superhero! You've foiled my plan! But you'll never take me alive! You'll rue the day to crossed the path of The Archnemesis!"
Camping. I've had two sets of experiences to inform camping: Boy Scouts, which was pretty terrible, and Bike trips that I took in high school, which was pretty great. Based on that: when a campground is a cheap alternative to a hotel on an epic journey, that's fantastic. When some stinkin forest is the destination and the quality of your experience is equal to the ridiculousness of how much you spent at REI... bleah. Also the woods are dark and scary, the Blair Witch might get me.	Jargonizer. Archenemy of "Super Personnel Person", Jargonizer robustly interfaces, engages, and incentivizes his high-value team-members to synergistically execute fresh and innovative strategies. Jargonizer seeks the tipping point, to disrupt the status quo and create transformative coopetition in the marketspace with other "disruptive thought leaders", by leverging core competences and actively engaging challenges.

Yes, I sent you a YouTube invite

or if I didn't, send me an email because the YouTube mail client is whack.

So I've noticed that people post pictures and videos of their kids on the internet with reckless abandon. I don't think its a good idea, so please friend my request.

Anyhow, E Hewett's mentor told me that it was ok for me to go back to making movies. So...

Jesus, ET, and now Steve Jobs

So Bloomberg ran this Obituary of Steve Jobs. For those of you reading this blog, you know how greatly relieved I am at the moment, but none of you know that a friend and coworker of my was killed in an auto-accident on Monday. This raises some big questions: What determines the limited time that we have? How can we be wise in spending our remaining time? Is there virtue in suffering? Why does nature have mercy but not pity? Why does Steve Jobs get to live again? Why can't they design a phone that slides all the way into my table PC for storage and management of the address book? Why isn't the tablet PC in the same form factor as a normal folio pad (with an 8.5 x 11 screen)? Is Gossip Girl really as bad as advertised? What should I have for lunch? My deorderant has no anti perspirant, does that mean that maybe I should just spray cologne into my armpits? Who would win in a fight batman or lupin? Are marshmellows better on smores or in hot cocoa?

This is not to make light of my friend's death, although we weren't that close, I think he would understand the point I am making and how I am making it: Big questions are hard to deal with, besides their basic nature of being unanswerable, they must necessarily be erodded by the fiobles of our biology and the insasiatable hunger of triviality.

Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

Hey, Daily News, I am stealing your bandwidth.
So, this is the latest craze going around the Internet. Why so much hype? Here's what I think:

1. Apple users are surprised to discover that human hands made their goods. Apple has done a gone job in convincing the world that sorcerers summon these sparkling jewels of industrial design from the beyond.

2. Factory workers are clean. I've notice that especially Democrats think that all factory workers are coal miners. Am I saying that Apple users are Democrats? I am. Yes, that means you Trav. You are a Democrat. You like higher taxes. And government regulation of everything. Especially what you think. You love that.

3. Factory workers are women. Even in this enlightened age, nerds still think of themselves as a "no girls allowed" club. Am I saying that Apple users are nerds. Check. I've previously posted about the relationship between ridiculous nostalgic chauvanism and computers ("The first computers were women" canonical rant). Dave is saying, "Wait a minute... I have an iPhone and I don't think about technology as being exclusively male, in fact, I don't think about gender at all when I think about technology." Oh yes you do, you think Ada Lovelace was a guy. And Brenda Laurel too. You put testosterone in your Nalgene of Mountain Dew before you take the GUYway to Mistersoft for a day of manly man computing. Then at lunch you don a bearskin pelt and viking helment and sing "Men! Men! Men! Men"

4. People make a lot of assumptions and love to generalize. Especially without facts and against credibility. That's why I eat Frosted Flakes, it makes you chairvoyant (the power to get someplace while sitting) and telegeneticist (the power to insult your distant descendants with obsolete theories of biodiversity). I, for one, think the iPhone factory girl is a hoax, a cover-up of the extra-terrestrial controlled zombie-lab which produced part man, part alien, part machine, part undead, iPhone factory workers to make iPhones by (a) growing them from a limb, (2) severing the iPhone limb with a lighting gun. (bew bew-bew, KAPOW!!!)

Well, enjoy your 15 minutes, iPhone factory girl. You might be one-in-a-million.

The Light of New York

Years ago, I commented to my brother, Eugene, that the light in New York was different. He said it had to do with latitude. I doubt it. New York has a similiar latitude to Madrid and Rome, but the light is different.

The first time I noticed it was not when I went to Rice. It was when I was four.
"Three's Company" was shot on video, but "M*A*S*H" and "Happy Days" were filmed. Even filmed, the lighting for "Charlie's Angels" was not the same as "M*A*S*H" and "Happy Days." Those shows were the stark light of reality. The light of New York.

In the years I have spent away from New York, I tend to forget how harsh and disconcerting it is, how steeped it is with my own pasts, the ghosts of my unknown ancestors, and the forgotten memories of things I should understand happened here but don't.

The light of New York is indelible. It soaks into the granite and steel. It attaches to the soot and rain. It has a smell. Indelible is one of those great English words that I learned in LING 201 that entered the English language more than once thanks to the Romans. It's related to the word "delete." I would know more about the word if I had studied real linguistics past LING 201, but I was interested in what Dave kindly once referred to as "total nonsense."

I had a point here, but I forgot what it was. Ok, I remember now. It was a point about nonsense. And here, will be one of the few times that I actually explain what I am saying, rather than trailing off.

Ultimately, I admit that the light in New York looks no different than other places. But honestly, I truly perceive a difference in the quality of the light. Amazingly, the latitude theory is offered by someone who does not have that perception; a theory that I would not have come up with.

This is what it means to cope, to be part of a family. It's a shared nonsense. And if its a fact, I believe it. And the fact is that the light of reality can be harsh, in New York and elsewhere. Believe it.

Believe it.

Blogging clone wars - surprisingly tasteful

Great visuals, natch. Lucas only executive produced. That seems to mean no
sideways wipes.

Plot was fairly well structured on the model of a video game walk-through,
although the whole "save jabba the hutt's baby son from a conspiracy
between count dooku and jabba's drag queen uncle" really messed with my
head. There is also a point where I was sure that they were going to do a
cheesy flashback of anakin and his mommy but instead anakin just looks made
and sad and says he doesn't want to talk about it. First of all, Cgi
looking soulful? Incredible. Second, since when does star wars resist the
temptation to be cheesy, good job.
Actually, there is a really interesting psychological bit: anakin and the
clones are genuinely sympatico. Dakota and I saw an exhibit at houson space
center showing the models they used for this movie and I watched a clip
about the character arc for Anakin's clone captain rex, so I knew it was
deliberate. Its a great retcon, though. It explains why darth vader prefers
to surround himself with storm troopers and has basically nothing but
disdain for the moffs.

Terrible dialog, also natch. Not as bad as jar jar binks but about as bad
as "obi wan versus the snooty librarian"

There are screaming kids in the theatre but I am happy to say that my kids
are not one. The kids are captivated. More so than me at jason's age. And
why not?

Blogging u2

I admit they are high faluten
Gluten

Blogging Terry Aki

The title to this post is an inside joke. No one who reads this blog knows either Terry or Aki.

When I was in Vancouver, we had Yum Cha after the wedding and they brought out this delicious dish. It was these thin tender but crispy noodles, strips of chicken, big longitudinally sliced mushrooms. There was a light but flavorful broth and a hint of some sort of chinese herb.

"So, Aunt Carrie," my brother asks, "what is this?"

"Shoumeee"

"Wait... did you just say this was chicken chow maine?"

"Yes"

"No way."

"Way."

"Excellent. Party on Wayne"

"Party on Garth"

Everything after the "Yes" was a delirious episode of "My Favorite Martian" but as I sit here eating the "Terry Achey Chicken" recipe cooked up by the deli in our lobby, I like the flavor but the whole wheat dinner roll is throwing me for a loop. At least I can make it into a Sloppy Tso.

If I had a serious point here, it would be that yesterday's editorial by David Brooks of the bird-cage liner, is a contest between astounding rascism and pure name-calling. In any case, the cooks in our cafeteria show a deeper and more respectful understanding of Chinese culture and society than David Brooks, and Diet Dr. Pepper goes terrific with all meals. Dr. Pepper himself is an example of the spirit of individualism that Brooks espouses. I'm drinking it up right now. It really does taste more like regular. If I think of Dr. Pepper before the Lonely Hearts Club Band plays then I will experience more.

Blogging the Olympics: Women sweep sabre

Hey MSNBC, sabre is FAST. How about some instant replay?

NBC has great commercials. MSNBC, where the fencing is at, apparently is
the network of really bad drivers.

Oh well, I admit that as corrupt the IOC is and as ambivelent I feel about
the venue: to see the smiling, proud faces of our young superheros as old
glory is hoisted to strains of the national anthem. And look, a single tear
of happiness from gold medalist. Wow... Its the perfect moment.

God bless America!

Blogging in the rain

So I have figured out the the subject line is the title brilliant.

A few people let me know that seattle gets less rain thab houston. Here's
thw different. Right now its sunny and I am purposely standing in the
downpour because its cooling everything off. Also in the time its taken me
to type this out two people have startwed conversations abiut rain and its
tapered off and gotten heavy again

Ah texas

the dream changes

So I am still having bar exam dreams but they are getting better: the secured creditors are perfected, even though time is not of the essence the contractors finsh on time and the architect signs the certificate of completion in good faith, the checks are honored, everyone acts as an ordinary reasonable prudent person would under similar situations, equity need not make done because its already been done in the first place, the testator understands the natural objects of his bounty and the scrivners faithfully leave the specific bequests to "dave, his heirs and assigns", all the guardians take the oath, all the trust beneficaries stay away from loan sharks, bailors deliver the goods, the best interests of the children are understood by the parties even without a guardian ad litem, the inducements to marry are written down, the known arsonists turns himself in by voluntarily arriving at the police station and though he is free to leave decides to knowing and intelligently waive miranda, the insurer and the injured party reach a fair settlement that is makes them whole without being a windfall, oral promise made prior to the final writing are forgottrn about, all the surface estates are accomodated, all the reservoirs hit MER, all interests will vest within lives in being plus 21 years, consignor get paid, the cotenants of blackacre get along, and the merchants is fair forthright and honest with the consumer who receives effective good that achieve the special purpose.

There are no barnes and nobles at the peace arch

Only borders

Good luck, Will

I'm sure you'll do fine.  You have a sensibility and clarity of thought that will serve you well.

Exhibit Hall "A"

I am standing on the artifical hill over the mcnair parking garage outside the test site.

When I was 17, I took my brothers laptop to Kensico Dam and wrote an essay about how this public monument would now be consecrated by: my past memories, the certainty that life would change by going to college, and simply because I willed it so.

I was foolisher then, what makes me think I am wise now?

I am no longer so certain of anything as I was when I was 17. But I know that I have worked very hard and learned much and I am humbled by how little I can really understand and those who have come before me passed; and not just the bar.




That's all I have to say for now...

Accord is actually distinct from satisfaction

Accord: tendering substitute performance to appease angry obligee getting imperfect tender.

Honda accord: an overpriced reliable car with a high rate of satisfaction and a four piston engine

Satisfaction: accepting the accord. Note that accord must be actual consideration and not an illusory promise or phony baloney

Piston honda: a tough but easily beatable "(Super)Punch Out!!" opponent. A big sucker for the body blow body blow left left right left body body knock him out one two three four five six seven eight nine ten. A knock out! Yi yi yi yi!

Velma, McCoy, Scoobie, and Brisco

Louren's great idea

"Law & Order: Scoobie Doo"

TBOC 2.007 -> would the bar examiners dare do this again?

I've now seen this twice in the last eight years for the "no slaughterhourse corp" rule. I wonder if they will do a "no production and pipeline corp" rule

Texas Business Organizations Code
Title 1. General Provisions - Chapter 2. Purposes and Power of Domestic Entity - Subchapter A. Purposes of Domestic Entity - § 2.007. Additional Prohibited Activities of For-profit Corporation

A for-profit corporation may not:

(1) operate a cooperative association, limited cooperative association, or labor union;


(2) transact a combination of the businesses of:

(A) raising cattle and owning land for the raising of cattle, other than operating and owning feedlots and feeding cattle; and


(B) operating stockyards and slaughtering, refrigerating, canning, curing, or packing meat;

(3) engage in a combination of:

(A) the petroleum oil producing business in this state; and


(B) the oil pipeline business in this state other than through stock ownership in a for-profit corporation engaged in the oil pipeline business and other than the ownership or operation of private pipelines in and about the corporation's refineries, fields, or stations; or

(4) engage in a business or activity that may not be engaged in by a for-profit corporation without first obtaining a license under the laws of this state and a license to engage in that business or activity cannot lawfully be granted to the corporation

It's the law, so I guess its fair game, but Jeesh!

My toes itch. The process

My toes itch. The process by which ants go from minding there own biz to biting me.

Blue's cthulhu finds you

Blue's cthulhu finds you

Consumer Law keword: deception, warranty, unconscionabily , prohibited threats, unfair settlement practices

The garden variety DTPA claim involves

1 *a consumer
2 *a false deceptive or misleading act or practice in violation of the laundry list or breach of express of implied warranty or unconscionability (a word I will surely mispell)
3 * deterimental reliance ("in connection with")
Excludes
1 Professional services
2 PI
3 Large transactions

DPTA Damages = Economic/Pecuniary. Knowing = mental anguish and up to 3x economic damages. Intentional= treble economic and mental anguish

Texas Debt collection act is a DTPA tie-in that technically doesn't replace common law tort of "wrongful debt collection"
*Debt collectors includes original creditor
*Consumer debt
*Prohibited threat
*Misrepresentations
*Unconscionable is narrowly tied to attempting to collect debts not owed

DPTA tie-in damages = actual (economic + mental anguish). Knowingly = up to 3x actual

Federal debt collection is NOT a tie-in
*3p debt collectors only
*Consumer debts
*Misrepresentations
*if disputed MUST stop collection


Consumer claim against insurer

*1st try the garden variety DPTA
*2nd a violation of the insurance code is "enforceable under the DTPA" meaning, use the DTPA remedies
*3rd try the Insurance Code. Big one is "unfair settlement practice"
--proper plaintiff is any "person"; not a consumer.
--Remedy for unfair settlement = actual (economic + mental anguish). Knowingly = up to 3x actual
--Remedy for unfair delay is the insured claim plus 18% per annum as LDs
*4th try stowers only if the injured third party has offered to settle with insurer for insurance limits

You know you are up

You know you are up late when even your noctural pets have fallen asleep

Changed the mnemonic for Negotiability

SW UFO TAN

A holder in due course is a party who, in good faith, and without notice of any claims or defense, gives value in order to take possesion of and obtain the right to enforce a negotiable instrument, whose authenticity is not apparently question.

A negotiable instrument is a signed writing unconditionally promising to pay a fixed amount of money at a definite time, alone (making no other promise other than to pay the money), with words of negotiability

A drawer's only liability on a instrument is to pay the instrument according to the terms it made. A drawer did not make the terms of the order in a forged drawer's signature and therefore the drawee must credit back the drawer's account because it was not following the drawer's instruction.

The indorser's contract to pay according to the terms of the indorsement expires if the the instrument is not presented to the maker or drawee within 30 days following indorsement.

Indorser also makes the tranferor warranty to all subsequent holders that indorser is a holder, that the authenticity is not apparently questioned, and that there are no known valid claims or defenses. Note that the transferor warranties are the same of the presentment warranties made to the drawee by the presentor

Drawee becomes bound to pay once they accept presentment. Payment is final and drawee has no recourse against payee but does have recourse against a breach of the presentment warranty.

Starbucks closures heaviest in Calif, Fla, Texas

So Starbucks closures heaviest in Calif, Fla, Texas.

When I lived in Sugar Land, there was a Starbucks in the Kroger, in the Barns and Noble, in both Targets, three stand alone Starbucks, and (no kidding) five competing independent coffee houses.

In Houston, the corner of West Grey and Shepard has two Starbucks across the street from one another. There are Starbucks in places that can't support gas stations. There are Starbucks in places where McDonalds have to shut down.

There is a Starbucks across the street from my office. Like all offices in the civilized world, there is a coffee pot on every floor. The coffee is pretty good, but people still go to Starbucks. At lunch, people will go eat there. I've seen three restaurants adjacent to the Starbucks close in frustration.

Starbucks ice cream, chocolate cover espresso beans, coffee beans, mugs, espresso makers, and liquer are available in every single grocery store, department store, and gas station.

Is Starbucks brand overextended in Texas? Duh!

Mneumonic is the quality of

Mneumonic is the quality of being a mneumon. As is "my answer to the commerical paper question was completely mneumonic. "

T shirt I want to

T shirt I want to see: "they might be giants" in blocky serif font around either a football or something else.

Not evidence

Bob's sexual history and reputation if he is a rape victim.

Evidence Recent

Evidence
Recent past convictions for relevant criminal conduct (?)
Bob's reputation "have you heard Bob slept with Jill, etc."

Not evidence "Once a thief

Not evidence
"Once a thief always a thief"
Bob slept with Jill, Michelle, and Greg. So he must have slept with Sara too

Where is bankruptcy like to come up? UCC Art 9 Question

How to:
Step 1: Determine the amounts of all creditor claims.
Step 2: Separate claims into classes by priority
Step 3: Proof of claim
Step 4: Distributions

Relief for D against SP just by the nature of the proceeding
Strong arms unperfected SPs
Unperfected SP no longer a secured at date of petition. This is a bad day for the SP.

Stops collection
Creditor who violates a stay faces: fines, liability to claims for damages (including punitive), and their collection activities are voided, voidable, or they have to undo it. See Bankr. Code § 362(k). Collection activity is broadly defined “applicable to all entities” against “any act.

BUT! SP may push Ct to lift stay and/or may press D to give more colleteral if SP is undersecured.
AND! In all cases bankruptcy gives secured creditors the right to be paid at least the value of its collateral.


Stops acceleration
In both Chapter 11 cases and Chapter 13 cases, a repayment plan usually can reinstate an executory contractual payment schedule by reversing prepetition acceleration, curing defaults, and compensating the losses caused by the defaults by providing for the payment of interest upon overdue amounts and reimbursing attorney’s fees and legal costs incurred by the SP. But cant cure after foreclosure.

Quick and Dirty on equity and injunction for Bar

Flavors:
Injunction, specific performance, reformation, rescission, declaratory judgment, foreclosure, partition, appointment of receiver, account, contribution, subrogation, marshalling, ne exeat, discovery, perpetration of testimony, creditor’s bills, interpleader, bills of peace, bills quia timet, equitable mortgage, equitable lien, equitable assignment (constructive trust)

Maxims of equity
Ubijus jus, ibi remedium (“Where there is a right there is a remedy")
Judex antiquitatem semper spectare debit (“A judge should always consider equity”)
As oppossed to Damages, which are substitutional, equitable remedies are Justice ex aequo et bono ("according to equity and good conscience")
Not sure of the latin here. I bet E Hewett would know. "Equity regards as done that which ought to be done" = the rationale for equitable adoption, quasi contract [also quantum meriut]

Injunctions are not in rem because aequitas agit in personam (“Equity acts in personam”)

Don't get to carried away with some of these maxims.

More about injunctions:

Injunction = an in personam order by the court to the defendant to do or refrain from doing

Weight factors:
(1) likely to succeed on the merits ***Threshold Q***
(2) irreparable harm;
(3) balance of harms: they are hurt worse than the good the ordinance would do;
(4) no substantial harm to public;
(5) no $ damages will be adequate (no adequate at-law remedy)

TRO -> 10 days, ex parte,


Absention Doctrine: Federal Judge will not interfere with state litigation when state provides an adequate remedy at law. Additionally, Federal courts will allow state court to decide logically prior interpretation of state law before examining that interpretation for its constitutionality.

Other remedies

Replevin:Ejectment::Chattle:Realty

Rescision is an equitable remedy to silence allegations of contract when, all there really was there involved a mutual mistake with the superficial appearance of a contract. See, e.g. Peerless

In Deed

County clerks in Texas won't record your deed unless either

A) It is signed by grantor and notorized
B) It is signed by grantor + two witnesses

Compare to self-proving will:

It is signed by testator and two witnesses and notarized
if its not notarized, the witnesses have to come testify.

Compare to Order for muniment of title:

Order for Muniment of title is an order from a judge, it goes from the court clerk to the the county clerk. Ba-dang!

Compare to affadavit of heirship:

Also serves as a Muniment of title, but is rebuttable within 5 years of recording. Magically, it becomes irrebutable after 5 years.

Compare to Mechanics lien:

Perfected on receipt if all formalities of recording the affadavit of the Mechanic's lien statute are met. Primes the mortgage lien!

BTW: The maximum deficiency judgment after a lien is foreclosed, in Texas, is limited to the difference between FMV and debt; obviously its less if the deficiency is less, that is to say you can't get more than the deficiency for a deficiency judgment. Anyhow, the rationale for the cap is to prevent fire sale prices.

Adoption

purpose of 6 month period of posession is to allow court to make a finding about whether permanent adoption is in child's best interest.

husband and wife must join the adoption.

Can you imagine?: Ok, sure you can adopt the kid. Not me. I'm going bowling.

Defamation requires malice only where

Defamation requires malice only where its a public person, like Berlusconi. Burden of proof for actual malice requires Clear and Convincing evidence. Rationale here is that the state's interest in remedial measures for defamation, must be balanced against 1st amendment right to political free speech

State of mind not a factor on private folks. Even inadvertant publication will suffice. Publication can be satisfied with an audience as small as one but not if the one person is the person you are defaming.

So: Hey, Jerk, you are ugly and your mom dresses you funny


Jerk has no cause of action in defamation but Jerk's mom does

Distinguishing: Larcency, Larceny by trick, false pretenses, embezzlement, lycanthropy

Larcency - I take your stuff
Larceny by trick - Hey, look at the size of that water buffalo. Yoink!
False pretenses - Please sign over the deed to your house, its a pretty standard thing if you want to ride the ferris wheel. No really.
Embezzlement - Sure, I'll hold this for you...
Lycanthropy -

Why is Jesse Sr being critical of Obama news?

I would have thought that everything that the media had to say about this would have already been said when Jesse Jackson, Sr. was rebutted by his own son.

Here's why it's news: The simplistic news is a study of one-dimensional characterisation. Honestly, there is more nuance in professional wrestling than what you get on the coverage of this issue. I'm repeating myself: I had exactly this reaction when the Cindy Sheehan story broke. I only mention this because I was dead on accurate about this part:

Over the next few weeks I expect that the various media outlets will "fill in the blanks" by fitting the "two sides" back into traditional characterizations until we go back to the simplistic "left" vs "right" dicotomy. Listen for the undercurrent of "well gang, that solves that mystery" This will be the tone of articles from media outlets of all stripes.

My point is, I'm an awesome super genius. Yay me. And with that daily affirmation, I am ready to study some more bar exam materials.

Mr. Cheezeplateur has an intentional tort claim based on a cause of action for "wrongful imprisonment"

The Bloomberg coverage of the latest diplomatic debacle on the farewell tour involves involves President Bush's own press corpse doing a PR hatchet job on the leader of Italy. Bloomberg's spin is to put the term 'insulting' in quotes like I just did and emphasize what bad character Belusconi really has.

What should be know about the tort of defamation is that it involves the malicious (as in intent to commit the tort) publication of information know to be false about a person (actually this tort also exists for recording bogus liens on surface or mineral estates, its called 'slander of title') and as such a complete defense is that the information is true.


It should be understood that the defense is complete because it destroys what of the necessary elements of the tort. This is as opposed to an affirmative defense, which is an exception that says, all the elements of the tort happened but some other things happened too that make it not a tort anymore.

Anyhow, because to show that its true that someone is a bad character requires evidence of being a bad person, the type of bad character evidence which is normally inadmisable in a civil case become admissable.

Final comment: look at the photo that Bloomberg chose for the article. It's Bush, walking around, totally free of any context by the background: a field of green grash cropped close in the photo. What a great job! Here: one good turn deserves another. Here's my context for this blog entry. My -- Text -- has --- trapped -- the -- Cheese!